Grass is the new steel

Late at night, a sound sprays out across campus as nozzles rise up like primordial beasts from the ground and spread water across much of the campus. This serves in large part to water the already deep green blanket that is the grass on campus, but what most people do not know is that this is a secret experiment by the Environmental Engineering department on new building materials.

“It turns out that grass is structurally more sound than steel,” Issa Green, professor in the department said. “We’re currently testing how quickly it grows and whether or not we could build a new building with it.” Since the campus has to mow the grass almost every day, lest it look overrun, results so far seem impressive. “We started testing a few years ago, and we’ve been gathering the grass that gets cut every day,” Green says. “We’ve got quite a store.” After the grass is cut, it gets stored in the basement of Chauvenet, where it awaits weaving by a team of gnomes that inhabit the tunnels under campus. The grass is then painted to look like normal building materials.

However, not everyone is as enthusiastic about the grass-watering project. “It’s a waste of resources and quite possibly bad for the environment,” said Josh Aquos. “All of the water is running off into Clear Creek, carrying all of the fertilizers with it. Because of this, all the poor fish in Clear Creek that are just starting to recover from the beer spill a few years ago are getting killed off again!” A few fishermen were seen down at Clear Creek, apparently unaware of the lack of fish.

Unfortunately, many students do not realize the reasons for the grass. “Man, the spot in front of Hill doesn’t drain at all! It’s so squishy and annoying,” Anom Stray said. A number of other students voiced concerns, mainly centered around cost. “Why is it that a world-class institution has to have the grass look so pristine when buildings like Chauvenet and Brown still exist on campus? Those buildings are friggin’ ugly,” one student said.

Partly because of student complaints and partly because of reduced building costs, Mines plans to construct a new building using grass in the future. When asked which building Green wanted to see built first with the new materials, Green responded with, “Well, we need to build a new math building. Their department has so much need with lab space and offices.” When asked about a physics building, supposedly next to be built, Green responded, “Those losers? What do they do, sit around calculating stuff? They don’t need space.”

Late at night, a sound sprays out across campus as nozzles rise up like primordial beasts from the ground and spread water across much of the campus. What most people do not know is that this is a secret experiment by the Environmental Engineering Department on new building materials.

“It turns out that grass is structurally more sound than steel,” Issa Green, professor in the department said. “We’re currently testing how quickly it grows and whether or not we could build a new building with it.” Since the campus has to mow the grass almost every day, results so far seem impressive.

However, not everyone is as enthusiastic about the grass-watering project. “It’s a waste of resources and quite possibly bad for the environment,” said Josh Aquos. “All of the water is running off into Clear Creek, carrying all of the fertilizers with it. Because of this, all the poor fish in Clear Creek that are just starting to recover from the beer spill a few years ago are getting killed off again!”

Unfortunately, many students do not realize the reasons for the grass. “Man, the spot in front of Hill doesn’t drain at all! It’s so squishy and annoying,” Anom Stray said. A number of other students voiced concerns.

When asked about which building Green wanted to build with the new materials, Green responded with, “Oh, well, we need to build a new math building. Their department has so much need with lab space and offices.” When asked about a physics building, Green responded, “Those losers? What do they do, sit around calculating stuff? They don’t need stuff.”