Monthly Archives: March 2013

March Madness – Identifying your symptoms

The end of March brings along with it the largest national basketball tournament in the country and an emergence of chronic widespread temporary insanity. Commonly referred to as March Madness, this disease sweeps through colleges and workplaces during the end of March and early April, then seems to disappear once a school has claimed the title of national champion. Although a temporary disease, March Madness can have extreme effects, especially on the students at schools involved in the tournament. Signs and symptoms of March Madness include wearing school colors, face painting, excessive yelling in front of a television, and furious research into school tournament brackets.

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Minds at Mines: Curious Characters

For some students, simply getting into the Colorado School of Mines is their biggest accomplishment. For others it may be passing Physics I or resisting the urge to fall asleep in NHV or econ. Perhaps more than a few students would say that their greatest accomplishment has been surviving E-days or their first encounter with a female. This week, Minds at Mines asks, “What is your greatest accomplishment at the Colorado School of Mines?” The answers show a startling diversity among Mines students and prove that is among America’s most unique campuses.

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Van Tuyl lecture: Van Tile lecture

This week, the Van Tuyl Lecture deviated from its usual geologic subject matter. Attendees were treated to an in-depth analysis of modern, innovative lower surface material renovation for small-scale passenger transportation vehicles. The special edition Van Tuyl “Van Tile” lecture concerned the dynamics of design and implementation of tile flooring in vans. Honored guest-lecturer and world-renowned van enthusiast Tony Kornheiser wowed the audience with enthusiasm and professional grade pyrotechnics.

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Sylvester Stallone sex change

Famed actor Sylvester Stallone, known for his masculine roles such as Rocky and Rambo, changed the game this week when he announced he was quitting the film industry to become a female pop-star. When questioned about his motives for the change Stallone said, “I was tired of people taking me seriously and wanted to change so I could goof around all the time like Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears. If I decide to shave my head spur of the moment or get arrested for being on drugs, I would much rather be a pop star because my actions would be forgiven.” The actor also proudly announced that from this day forth he shall be known simply as Stella, aka the actor formerly known as Sly.

South Table Mountain’s demise

South Table Mountain’s time has come and gone. The Golden City Council has now approved a plan to destroy this monumental stone landmark. Residents of Golden have been complaining about South Table’s aesthetics for years. The boxy mountain blocks views of otherwise beautiful sunrises and is a horrible eyesore.

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Greeks go wild

Rising migration of wild African safari and jungle animals to the western United States has increasingly burdened zookeepers in America for the past ten years. “This is a real problem these days,” said zoologist Dr. Bob Faux. “Most parents see this as an opportunity to get their families a pet lion, but this has contributed to the over-domestication of lions in America.”

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