Dennis Rodman undercover mission a success

Declassified CIA files have been released that indicate retired Hall of Fame basketball player Dennis “The Worm” Rodman is or was a CIA spy planted in North Korea to gain the trust of Kim Jung-un. The papers suggest Rodman’s goal was to assess Kim’s motives and determine whether or not North Korea posed a threat to the United States.

Rodman gained attention in the states after declaring Kim Jung-un his “friend-for-life” as well as his “biffel,” a term with a meaning that eludes the nation. While this originally garnered negative publicity for Rodman, culminating in him being thrown out of a hotel for claiming the North Korean dictator was “a really awesome guy,” in the last month Rodman has revealed some stunning information. He did this not through the stealthy dissemination of information that the CIA is known for, but through blurting out secrets much in the same way one accidentally reveals pregnancies or affairs or that Kim has a daughter who he has been keeping a secret. In addition to this, Rodman appears to have traded the knowledge he used to once lead the league in rebounds for the names of the merchants supplying North Korea with fissile material.

Despite the oddly rapid declassification of what has been dubbed “Operation Rebound Forward,” as well as the large amount of media coverage regarding statements made by Rodman, he and Kim still appear to be “biffels,” and Rodman has been appointed chief ambassador to North Korea. He had the following to say about the North Korean situation: “North Korea isn’t so different from other countries.” “Well of course he wants nuclear weapons, he’s frightened by everyone else having them.” “He’s not really that bad of a guy, the whole gulag thing was just a huge misunderstanding,” and “I’m not apologizing for him because there is nothing to apologize for. He’s a really awesome guy who the world just doesn’t understand.”

Rodman recommends that President Barack Obama sit down with Kim and bond over their mutual enjoyment of basketball to begin talks of peace. Rodman has claimed this is all Kim wants in order to forge a relationship between the United States and North Korea.

“Operation Rebound Forward” appears to be winding down temporarily however, as Rodman has rushed over to Vatican City to hang out with the new pope in what could possibly be an effort to help solidify the sovereignty of the Falkland Islands from Argentina who does not currently acknowledge the Falklands to be separate from Argentina, or possibly to uncover secrets hidden away behind the vaults of the Vatican. All that is known at the moment is that Rodman plans to vacation with Kim during the summer to solidify his newly offered title of Supreme Minister of Athletics and Sport.