Opening day is the most wonderful time of the year for baseball fans where optimism flows and hope appears where there was none in the cold of winter. Everyone’s team wins the pennant, and everyone’s favorite player wins MVP. This makes it difficult to stay grounded in reality when seeking out analysis of how the season is going to end.
However, now, using never-before used high-tech statistical analysis, mathematicians have been able to determine with 98% certainty how each division race will end. (Spring training records are as of 3/26/13.)
AL East: The Baltimore Orioles have been red-hot in Grapefruit League spring training games, leading with an 18-7 record, and as a result should win the division.
AL Central: This might be the Kansas City Royals’ year, who will have no problem keeping pace with their division foes while picking up their first winning season in ten years and grabbing the division title for the first time since their 1985 World Series winning season.
AL West: The Seattle Mariners will have a tough time overcoming the Houston Astros in the division, making it a toss-up for AL West champ. Seattle’s 19-10 record in spring training favors them, but the Astros are expected to take the AL pennant in their first year in the American League after years in the National League.
NL East: All five teams will nearly tie for the division title. The Atlanta Braves and New York Mets will be division and NL Wild Card winners, respectively.
NL Central: The Chicago Cubs, despite their 16-18 record in Spring Training games, will obliterate their division rivals and advance to the World Series two years before it was prophesied in Back to the Future. It is unsure why, therefore, aliens.
NL West: The Colorado Rockies, with their immense pitching depth, have steadily climbed above other NL West contenders in Cactus League games and are expected to continue to do so as the season starts. 32-year-old Jeff Francis is an early favorite to win the Cy Young award, but will face competition from his fellow Rockies. The Rockies are also a dark horse to win the pennant in what will likely be Todd Helton’s last year. The causes of their success, among great pitching, will be the Rockies’ firing of their former mascot Dinger and the hiring of his twin brother, Donger.
According to oddsshark.com, it will be the Cubs over the Astros in the 2013 Fall Classic. In related news, a meteor is on course to hit the Midwestern United States sometime next autumn.