This week’s personalized Horoscopes

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18): For this week, plan on a long series of coincidences occurring between you and your loved ones. While there are perfectly rational reasons for each occurrence, both negative and positive, you are better off saying that they occurred because of the time of year you were born in, the energy levels inside your house, the color of your aura, or because of the whims of ancient and powerful beings who hold the universe together out of completely alien motives. For more information on each of these topics consult your local medium, spiritual guide, wizard, druid, or fifth level or higher mystic theurge.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20): An unusual object will cross into part of the celestial longitude that blesses the Pisces. It is Ghroth, the Nemesis Moon! As was said by the grand prophet Lovecraft “The comet-god comes, singing to the stars and planets as it passes; waking the strange and terrible gods that lie slumbering beneath.” This is the herald of the end of all humanity and the rising of Cthulu from his undersea home of Ry’leh. Pisces has been blessed by Cthulu by being the first humans to be devoured and spared the pain of watching the end of their race as well the pitiful attempts by humanity to delay the horror that awaits it. Congratulations!

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19): If at any point in the week you feel as though you’re unlucky, it is because you are. You have been hexed by a wizard for some minor offence, like trying to get into the elevator before everyone got off or stopping in the middle of the sidewalk to talk with someone when others are around. The only way to remove such a curse is by ordering my book on Amazon, “235 Easy Hex Removal Spells” and leaving a five star review. If you don’t, then they don’t work.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20): Your continued search for true love will continue to be a road full of disappointment and agonizing loneliness. On the bright side of things, you’re financial and business plans will be slightly less disappointing, but they’re still pretty bad. Also, the stars say that people are saying horrible things behind your back, and that you were way drunker at that party than you thought you were.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20): This week you will pass by the person who the stars say is your one true love. While you should be able to tell who it is, I recommend hitting on everyone just to be on the safe side. It is difficult to tell an individual anything specific with only their sign, so I highly recommend a one on one full spiritual life plan consultation in my Golden office for the low price of $75/hour. It seems pricey, but how can anyone (besides me) place a price on finding one’s destined love.

Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22): A recent medical breakthrough has found a drug that is able to kill all cancer cells within mice, regardless of where the cancer originates. This is a general warning to avoid all scientists and doctors for a week to avoid being abducted for testing this cancer killing super poison. I mean all scientists, even people who have almost nothing to do with this, like geologists.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22): Leos, I implore you to let your mighty roars be heard throughout the land. If you are at any point in a confrontational situation at work, in public, or even in the home the best option is to tackle your issues head on. Literally pounce on people. No one wants to fight people who think they’re lions. That’s just too much for most people to handle.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22): You will witness an innocent person being attacked in the streets by someone drunkenly raving about extra dimensional potato men impersonating his friend. It will be tempting to help, but that seems like a really good way to get stabbed with a rusty spork. Just walk away and pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22): Due to testing being done by the ISS, I am unable to discern what the stars have in store for Libras. With all the research being done in space, this is increasingly becoming an issue so I recommend all my readers, not just Libras, purchase from my Amazon storefront a 200 count package of specially blessed fortune cookies for those days you just absolutely have to know an incredibly vague and obvious piece of advice to live your life by.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21): This will be an incredibly mundane week for you. Like, nothing interesting will happen… at all. That being said, if your nemesis happens to be a Taurus, you will at least have the joy of laughing at the long series of misfortunes they call a week.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21): Someone you trust deeply has been replaced with an evil clone! The only way to determine who it is, is by throwing liquids at them. If this person reacts with anger as opposed to gratitude over unexpected refreshment it is your duty as a citizen of this universe to arrest them and bring them to the local authorities under the charge of impersonating someone to hasten the invasion of extra dimensional beings by planting sleeper cells among us. You will be hailed as a hero and protector of Earth for your bravery.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19): You will be desperately hit on by a Gemini trying to find their true love by process of elimination.