Monthly Archives: March 2014

Mines 2014 champs
0

BCS Championship Correction

The NCAA is back in the news once again for a potentially monumental mistake on their part. However, the newest topic of discussion regarding the governing body of collegiate athletics is much more than a mere tournament snub (a yearly occurrence), recruiting violation (again, an annual thing nowadays), or a player overconsumption-of-food violation (#pastagate, never forget), but rather the awarding of a recent national championship trophy to the wrong team. It’s hard to imagine anybody, even the notoriously inept NCAA, bungling something high profile. But as emerging data from the highly credible people at MyTeamIsBetterThanYourTeam.com suggests, the BCS championship’s crystal football trophy should actually be on display not at Florida State University but right here in Golden at the Colorado School of Mines.

Tent City at Mines

Officials in the department of Student Life have proposed a new way to house students at Mines: tents. According to initial estimates, 100 two person tents could be placed on Kafadar Commons. This would help ease the housing problems for incoming freshmen while providing students who want to “become one with nature” a way to do so. This will be the least expensive housing option on Mines campus with a cost of $2000 per semester. Students living in the tents will be required to obtain an unlimited meal plan as food in the tents is likely to attract wildlife.

Hordes of Unknown Entities Once Again Descend Upon Campus

Just as has happened for the past few decades, these past few weeks have been marked by strange visitors on campus. Reports from the field indicate that these strange beings appear to be happy and enthusiastic for the future and are often surrounded by other individuals who are equally or even more excited for the future than the focal entity. Each of these packs are lead by a chipper guide creature.

Administration approves sleeping rooms

The administration has recently approved USG’s proposal to install sleeping rooms in every campus building. These sleeping rooms will provide a safe, quiet place for students to nap in between classes. Each room will be equipped with five beds and fifteen recliners. Student workers will keep these rooms clean and supervise the sleeping students.

Not-So-Scientific discoveries this week: 3/31/14

Boulder, CO – Researchers for the Center for Recreational Marijuana Studies in Boulder, Colorado, have released a study definitively proving that “Dark Side of the Moon” does in fact sync up to “The Wizard of Oz” and that it is “really far out and trippy, man”. While work is still being done to confirm the discovery, experts in the field of watching movies while high are already hailing this the greatest discovery in the field since the discovery that “Another Brick in the Wall” syncs up with “Wall-E,” known as Another Brick in the Wall-E.

Vladimir Putin – Pokémon Trainer?

As we all probably know by now, Russia wants to take over the world, and is starting with Ukraine. On March 16th Crimean people voted to secede from Ukraine and join Russia with an overwhelming 97% in favor of joining Russia. There have also been whispers of Russia annexing Kazakhstan. But why is all this happening? Why is Vladimir Putin so determined to spread Russia’s borders? The answer became evident when Putin addressed the media simply saying, “I gotta catch ’em all!”

Obama Announces Second Term Slide

President Obama announced today that he is entering his “senior slide” for the last two years of his second term. Similar to when high school seniors check out for their final spring semester, Obama will spend his last two years in office slacking off. When asked for a comment the President had this to say: “Come on guys. I got Obama-care enacted, what else do you want from me? I can’t wait to just chill and coast through these last two years.” When asked what he plans to fill his time with, he responded: “I don’t know I’ve been meaning to finally restore my old Trans Am and Michelle’s been pushing me to start scrap booking with her but I haven’t had time up until now. It’ll just be nice to not have to worry about drone strikes or NSA wiretapping for a change.” After the President’s statement, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney announced that Obama will be available if anyone wants to rock some Skynyrd and pound some beers with him on the White House lawn.

Bill O’Reilly Admits To Hoax

In a stunning press release earlier this week, famous political pundit Bill O’ Reilly announced that his show “The O’Reilly Factor” is indeed a hoax. O’Reilly has been trolling America in one of the greatest pranks since the NASA “moon landing”. Best known for his scathing commentaries on the Democrats and an undying love for guns, freedom, lower taxes, and screaming at guests until he becomes red in the face, O’Reilly has quickly become one of the most beloved pundits on Fox News. Apparently that persona has been a sham meant to see how gullible the average American could be. When asked to elaborate, O’Reilly had this to say: “Well of course it’s a joke, how could anyone take this show seriously? I mean, come on, I compared South Chicago to Haiti and advocated kidnapping and water boarding Nancy Pelosi. Didn’t anyone get the hint that I’m trolling right wing nut jobs?” As this news breaks, it leaves much to be answered for dedicated fans of “The O’Reilly Factor” who must surely be reevaluating their life choices.

Copyright © 2016 The Oredigger Newspaper. All Rights Reserved.