The Truth Revealed! Mines’ Robot Army

I have to write quickly, before the engineers of our forthcoming apocalypse can track my IP address. My escape was hard-won, and I know this revelation will lead surely to my destruction, but the world must know, at any cost.

The unthinkable has occurred. The professors and staff you trusted to guide your education and development have betrayed you, have pulled the proverbial wool over your collective eyes, oh fellow students! Each night, while you trudged bleary-eyed from your flickering computer screens, eager for the embrace of sleep, a secret lair far beneath Kafadar Commons has been bursting to life! Yes, oh miners, right beneath your feet, the cogs of your destruction have been relentlessly turning, and now you have no choice but to run or be crushed.

It all began some thirty years ago, when then-president Dr. Guy McBride was approached by a mysterious scientist claiming to have invented the ultimate weapon against the Soviet machine. He was taken in by the scientist’s smooth talk, and soon had signed away half of the school’s operating budget to pursue the project. Though the Soviet Union fell, the project continued, unknown to anyone but the tenured faculty and the janitorial staff. Now, at long last, the true goal of the project – world domination – is within their grasp.

What is this terrifying project? What is this superweapon hidden beneath your very noses? It is none other than a robotic army numbering in the thousands – nay, tens of thousands! Each unit in this army carries a thermonuclear warhead, has an adaptive artificial intelligence system, and bears the strength of a grizzly, the agility of a marmoset, and the speed of a cheetah. The robots have been trained like the ninja warriors of old, learning stealth, hand-to-hand combat, acrobatics, and, most importantly, how to kill instantly and undetectably. Once equipped with human disguises, these killing machines will be dispatched into the populace, and President Scoggins and his emeritus underlings will be poised to take over the world. No demand will be beyond their capacity, no conquest too daring for their synthetic soldiers. It is enough to chill even the bravest of hearts.

I, your intrepid Gold Digger reporter, stumbled upon this horrifying secret on accident while researching a story about the Mines heating system. Beneath the steam tunnels, beneath the sewers, lies a vast vault which seems to stretch, not only under the school itself, but under all of Golden and even under Table Mountain and the Coors Brewery. Indeed, the conspiracy stretches to the Coors family as well, who appear to have financed the building of the army. In this massive man-made cavern, a production line turns out two robots per hour… a production line that has been running since 1983. The scale of this operation is staggering.

After they roll off of the factory conveyer belt, the robots are trained in large groups, delivering precisely synchronized roundhouse kicks in a huge group in a cement chamber large enough for the entire population of the School of Mines to fit inside all at once. The chosen faculty who run the project stand watch, leading the exercises or simply overseeing them. In another room, silicone human skins are produced to be fitted over each of the robots, each skin made to match a different human. The humans selected to be replaced by robots will be kidnapped and sent to a desert island in the South Pacific where they will live out their days as slave labor, making small plastic hula dancers to be sold to tourists in Hawaii and Tahiti.

As if this were not nefarious enough, the programming for the robots has been outsourced to none other but yourselves, the students of Mines. Each homework assignment, essay and test that you are given is a thinly veiled piece of the robot army’s training. Your blood, sweat, and tears are ensuring that these robots can better approximate human behaviour when the day of judgment comes. That is correct, Mines students. Your hard work is being used, without your knowledge, to further the university’s plans to bend the world to their will, yourselves included.

No sooner had I learned this shocking information than I was detected by the facility’s intruder sensors, and was forced to flee for my life. I have been on the run ever since, and am sending this in hopes that this may save others from my own fate. Even now I can hear them coming down the hall for me. Run, people of Golden! Run for your lives while you still can!

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