2016 Presidential Hopefuls Oddly Resemble a Scene at the Bar

The media has been blowing up about Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton— the frontrunners of the Republican and Democratic parties—but what about the other candidates?

According to the Huffington Post, only 27% of the U.S. population has been paying close attention to the 2016 Presidential Race. If you are not a part of this group and want to sound smart by name-dropping a few candidates, I will help you get vaguely acquainted with them (as one of them, theoretically, will be your new president next year).

To make things simple, let’s set a scene: everyone is in a bar. A big bar. Built by Mexico. Donald Trump (R—NY Businessman) probably owns it, so we’ll call it Trump Bar. He often tends to fall into traps when his bartenders tell walkouts they “have to pay”, and they always respond, “Nah, mine’s natural. Your boss’s on the other hand…” Think about it.

Anyway, in a dusty corner of the bar is the Kiddie Table. Those who sit here are the candidates lowest in the polls and are like a solitary freckle on your arm—just kind of there. You’ll see it every now and then when you’re looking at your skin, but it’s not really going to get much bigger. These people are:

Lincoln Chafee (D—Former RI Gov.), Martin O’Malley (D—Former MD Gov.), Jim Webb (D—Former VA Sen.), Lawrence Lassig (D—Harvard Professor), Jim Gilmore (R—VA Gov.), George Pataki (R—Former NY Gov.), Bobby Jindal (R— Current LA Gov.), John Kasich (R—Current OH Gov.), Rick Santorum (R—Former PA Gov.), and Lindsey “That Guy from South Carolina” Graham (R—Former SC Sen.). The table is headed by The Margin of Error and Other, who typically do better in the polls.

Rand Paul, M.D. (R—Current KY Sen.) is by the door performing eye surgery. Dr. Paul is said to be good because he imagines the patient’s eye problem as the NSA. A fellow surgeon, Ben Carson (R— Retired FL neurosurgeon), is separating twins who are conjoined at the head, being the first to successfully do so. Not many people mention this, but he is black.

There is another demographically significant candidate in the bar. Carly Fiorina (R—Former Hewlett-Packard CEO) recently left the Kiddie Table after getting into a bar fight with Trump. She is one of two women running for president. The other, Hillary Clinton (D—former Secretary of State), is having a big party at a large table across the room. Some people think she owns the bar, which she is close to doing.

Under her table is Bernie Sanders (D— Former VT Sen.). He crawled under the table, noticed by a few people. Recently, more people are looking down and leaving Hillary’s party. The floor is kind of hot, so some people are pushing others down, telling them to feel it.

At the bar stools sit Jeb Bush (R— Former FL Gov.) and Marco Rubio (R— Current FL Sen.), speaking to each other in Spanish. Ted Cruz (R—Current TX Sen.) sits next to them, trying to join the conversation, but only gets a few phrases in before giving up. He is reading “Oh, the Places You’ll Go” in preparation for his next filibuster. “Green Eggs and Ham” lies on the counter next to him, with a page of Obamacare as a bookmark.

At a table blocking a lot of traffic in the middle of the room sits Chris Christie (R— Current NJ Gov.). He is playing a game of Bridge, teamed with a staff member and playing against Fort Lee Mayor Mark Sokolich and an angry New Jersey driver. There are complaints of the cards being stuck to the table, restricting the flow of gameplay. Christie claims to not know anything while his staff member shoves a stick of glue down his pocket.

On the stage, Mike Huckabee (R— Former AR Gov.) is giving a sermon whilst fist-fighting a bag of rainbow Doritos. The Doritos are winning.

Rick Perry (R—Former TX Gov.) and Scott Walker (R—Former WI Gov.) have already left the bar, having run out of money.

Outside the bar looking in is Joe Biden (D—Current Vice President). Some people are already buying him drinks, even though he hasn’t entered the bar.

And finally, having a party on the roof, is every write-in candidate, stacked up higher than the cares given by the American population. At the top of the pile are Deez Nutz (Independent—Internet meme puppeted by Iowa teen), polling at 9% in a Trump vs. Clinton vs. Nutz poll, and Limberbutt McCubbins (D—Current KY Meow Cat).

By now you should be fairly familiar with the candidates. For more information, go to the internet. That pretty much covers it. If you keep watching the news, you’ll see who’ll leave the bar next, who else might get into a bar fight, and, by November next year, we’ll see who gets the drunkest. Your next president will be the one in detox.