Ask Nick: 2/27/16

 February 25

How do porcupines mate?

Props to whoever asked this question, because it actually piqued my curiosity. So first, nose rubbing occurs, and if the female accepts the notion, the male will then urinate on the female (no joke), and the female will decide if the male lives up to her standards. If the female stills approves, she will expose her non-quilled underbelly and the two will mate. The more you know!

Source: “How Porcupines Mate.” Today I Found Out. N.p., 01 Feb. 2012. Web. 25 Feb. 2016.

How many blueberry muffins can you make from the chair you’re sitting in?

Have you ever read the ingredient list for blueberry muffins? Clearly, if you did, you would know that chairs only work in baking muffins if they aren’t being sat in, and also that blueberry muffins only exist in the fifth dimension. The next time you have a paperclip, hit me up though.

What is the best kind of tape?

Tape is surely a beautiful creation, and it is good. Therefore, there is no ‘best’ kind of tape, by my standards. #PromoteTapeEquality

How far will the airplane you make out of this sticky fly? (In millimeters)

For the readers who don’t know what “this sticky” is, the context is that I’ve been accepting anonymous questions through sticky note submissions in a box. The answer is, from a starting height of 122 mm, the airplane I made flew approximately 167.75 mm. Ain’t it pretty:

How many long distance calls can you make for $30 and a chicken?

This depends on which country I’m in, as well as whether or not the chicken is alive, in order to maximize the value of the chicken. In America, the chicken is only more valuable alive if it lays many eggs, while in Antarctica, I have a dead chicken. So what I’m trying to say is, follow your heart, and anything is possible .

What size blue-jeans do giants wear?

Giants typically wear loincloths, but giants who do wear blue jeans usually find that they themselves are lesser than green giants; consequently, more and more giants nowadays are eating extra green beans. A recently reported surge in average health of giants would indicate that the size of giant jeans are decreasing, but infinity divided by two is still undefined, so I’ll have to get back to you on this.

Did you take the radius tho?

I always take the radius. #NeverForget #HalfHamHalfPepperoni

February 23

What would you rather have? A lifetime supply of Ramen or a lifetime supply of Pop-Tarts?

There’s really no question here. Pop-Tarts are one of the founding food groups? to my childhood (and adulthood). Ramen is about as comparable to authentic noodle soups as Mines Market is to real food: the substance is there, but you never leave fully satisfied.

How do I get these salamanders out of the kitchen?

The typical reason that salamanders can be found in the kitchen is the lack of a kitchout. If you construct a kitchout onto the building, the salamanders should find their equilibrium and take their spaceship back to their underground colonies.

Who?

That’s exactly what I’m saying…

What?

Maybe.

Giraffe cage fighting -OR- kangaroo kickboxing?

Anyone who has ever seen giraffes fighting knows that those guys go hard. Kangaroos go hard too, but on a level two or three orders of magnitude below giraffes. Ignoring the ethical considerations of animal fighting, I would much rather see giraffe cage fighting.