Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): It’s your turn, Pisces! Pisci? Fish. It’s your birthday! That technically applies to everyone, but you get to be special about it. For your next year in life, you will make a major scientific discovery! You will also experience a series of events that might seem like coincidence, but are really caused by a kitten on top of Space Mountain using an RC car to determine your fate. Finally, be sure to go to Dairy Queen. You need some ice cream and a blizzard.
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19): Good news, you are in for a month of good health! Your stress levels will be at an all-time (relative) low, so be sure to get lots of sleep! You will also receive a batch of cookies. However, heed caution, as your pet will begin Korean lessons after joining your national curling team. If you don’t have a pet, you will soon!
Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20): Now would be a good time to renovate your home. This action could include anything from replacing your roof tiles to sponge-bathing your garden hose, just as long as you’re doing something productive for the house.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20): Be sure to have Chinese food at least once a week. And be extra sure to get a fortune cookie with each of those meals. At the end of this month, and mail them to your dad saying, “How fortunate for you to receive a letter from me!” I don’t know what the reward of this action will be, but I’m sure he will thank you “foretelling” him.
Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22): Do you ever think about life? If you find the answer, make a decision. It could impact the rest of your life. Anyway, your diet will consist of some form of noodle, and you might want to think about getting rid of that old couch. It’s really throwing off your chi.
Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22): Be on the lookout for safari pamphlets. You probably shouldn’t go on said safari, but now you have scratch paper, and scratch paper is a nice thing to have.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22): This will be a month of good health for you. Adding to the theme, you will also learn an ancient remedy to cure mud-skipper bites from your long lost Apache grandma. If a travel opportunity arrives, be sure to take it, unless they are sending you to Hawaii, Malaysia, or Kiritimati. You might get swindled by Carl Sagan’s island-hopping zebra.
Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22): Be sure to invest in cabbages.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): You might be a teddy bear. This was a problem that plagued our solar system until almost ten years ago when the Supreme Court of Planets held a hearing on your teddy bear legitimacy. At the end of a long debate, the case ended in a 5-4 decision that you were not a teddy bear. What followed was a search for a new ninth planet to replace Pluto, and that search could soon be over. Earth has proposed a candidate‒a planet found orbiting much further from the Sun than Pluto‒and it is possible that he could get the nomination and approval. Fearing a corporate conspiracy, Jupiter wants to wait until the Sun turns into a White Dwarf to nominate a new planet, but Earth argues that all of the terrestrial planets would be eliminated in the process
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Be cautious of money, as this month will not be the best for you, financially. Aside from that, go nuts! Indulge yourself in your passions and find the true meaning of happiness. Take a break every once in awhile. And who knows, maybe one evening you’ll be walking home, thinking about life, and asking yourself deep questions. You will be reflecting on your life choices, smiling at what you’ve done right, learning from where you strayed the path. And in the end, we all know what question must be answered: “Do ninjas wear shoes?”
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): When it comes to your morning routine, your appearance will fluctuate from being “on point” to “on the floor because it’s too early to be a human.” If you want to try something new in your diet, consider tangerines for breakfast. I’m not sure of the health benefits, but I don’t hear many people talk enthusiastically about the tangerine they had for breakfast, so you could start that.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): You will continue to have more dreams than usual. However, there will be a new epic leg of the story to be told in your dreams. Seriously, if you remember it when you wake up, get it down on paper ASAP. You could very well be the next Tolkien. So get out there, dream those dreams, and write the epic saga the world has been waiting for.