Ask Nick: the Know-All Freshman (5/6/16)

What caused Casa Alba to close and when will they realistically reopen?

Due to the name being racially offensive, Casa Alba was shut down by social justice warriors. Said warriors now maintain a strong point there under the guise of a nonprofit puppy rescue crew. Never trust nonprofit puppy rescue crews. If you see any puppies on the streets, you need to take them home and hide them in your cooking ware to protect them from the malicious social justice warriors. Do not turn on the connecting burners; puppies do not like burners. Social justice warriors, however, do like burners, and when it comes to dogs, their taste is more Korean.

If coconuts make milk and have hair, why aren’t they considered mammals?

So, part of the classification of mammals is related to their personalities. For example, Homo sapien means “wise person.” Coconuts are overly aggressive and have a reputation of hitting people on the head daily. As a result, the people of the Union Against Coconuts declared war against the mammality of coconuts. Efforts to bring down the reign of coconuts traveled through volcanoes and clouds, and eventually caused the release of scientists who recognized the necessity for change years ago, and they quickly made sure coconuts were banished from the mammalian class.

How do you know spinach doesn’t create soil?

If spinach were a dragon, it would be a fire breathing dragon. The dragon would stand up and yell, “Hey kids, that’s my car! Come back here!”

The kids would consequently respond with, “You’re not my dad!”

See this, right here? This is why kids do not like to eat spinach.

How effective is soy sauce as a contraceptive?

“Soy sauce” has a one letter difference from “say sauce,” which is just a couple of letters away from “zen garden.” In the zen garden, there is only zen, and contraceptives do not exist. So to more accurately figure out how efficient soy sauce is as a contraceptive, consider your margin of translation whenever you need to refer to soy sauce. The effectiveness is linked to the primary language of where it is being used. In America, it may prove to work just fine, but in China, soy sauce may turn you into a zen master. Meanwhile, Australia and Great Britain have had a notable increase in the amount of people who chant “Sauce” to meet their contraceptive need.