Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20): Just like finals week, it’s that time of year where the bull really shines! You all got to start off your celestial month with a lot of green (that Earth Day, though), meaning you’re in for a treat. Hmm… finals… green… Got it. The stars want me to get you a biodegradable version of Final Fantasy VII. If you are visited by a tall, dark, and sinister ugly man, ask him if he has the biodegradable copy. I can only imagine positive outcomes of this situation.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20): Since Taurus took up more space than planned (in other words, it took up “too” much space. Get it? Gemini, symbol looks like a II… “Shut up.” “Okay”), you’re going to deal with a shorter one because it’s their birthdays. On a related note, prepare to have to “deal with it” a lot this summer.
Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22): Watch out for dogs. Especially floofy ones. By no means does this mean that they are dangerous to you. You can’t handle the floof. But if you think you can, be sure to seek out the floofiest ball of happiness in existence and allow it to engulf you in floofiness.
Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22): This is a good month for positivity for you Leos out there. If you don’t view yourself as a particularly positive or optimistic soul, try saying “yes” more often. Do you want to go see that new movie with me? Yes! Do you want to go hike this interesting wilderness trail? Yes! Do you want to hear all about my lifelong journey in finding out what truly “is?” Yes, I’ll have fries with that. See? Your life is already changing before your eyes!
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22): You are in for probably the busiest month of your life. In order to handle all of your responsibilities, I will not advise you to ignore it all and watch Netflix. Instead, I would advise you to write down everything you have to do, organize it in an orderly and manageable fashion, then proceed to panic to your heart’s content, taking solace in the fact that you actually produced something and now need a 4-hour panic break.
Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22): In recent months the stars have told you to invest in cabbages and how to lead your rabbit army (with said cabbages). If you have been following these steps carefully, you have a new mission. With this new rabbit army, you must travel to the Realm of Despair; That’s right. You are to take your army to Cleveland! Once you and your army arrive, you will be greeted by a sunbathing poodle. He will give you the directions for the next leg of your journey.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): It’s that time of year where you are furthest away from your celestial month, both forward and backward in time. The Six-Month Sweetspot. And I’ve got news for you: you are going to have a bad time.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): You will have the sudden urge to go smell your bike in a rainstorm. Not a thunderstorm, however, for a little buzz buzz to your nuzz nuzz wouldn’t be very pleasant. Make sure it is only a rainstorm. You may be ambushed by kittens in pink mustaches, but likely the gang of sea pandas will take their place while they search for your left thumb.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): I have a feeling that you will soon be wanting to shout “Freedom” at the top of your lungs. The shouts will all be causes of or for an action in which you receive an apricorn by trading in your bottle cap collection. Get your caps ready, because you all need to get your freedom fix fast!
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Google “Majestic Sea Flap Flap.” Smile, have a good day, treat yourself. “Smile and the whole world smiles with you.” Garfield tried that once. You should try it, too.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): This next month will be a good month for love! Tell your friends and family that you love them, do something special for your significant other/favorite food, let your dog feel the love, hope that your cat approves of you, let the fridge understand that it is appreciated, tell your bed that it is always a welcoming sight, tell that specific appendage that you appreciate everything it does for you. Do whatever it takes to let them know.
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19): You will get into some kind of sticky situation this month. When you do, I would recommend calling upon Pierce Brosnan & Jupiter to spread out the details. Just make sure their suggestions are new and innovative so they aren’t just casting your life in an unoriginal mold.