Scorpio: Scorpio, the celestial month of Halloween! Since the day has passed by now, be sure to grab some discount candy from Safeway to replace the holes in your life you never knew you had until you became a year older.
Sagittarius: Despite holiday commercial activity, remember that Thanksgiving is just around the bend, so be sure you learn how to bowl, because your relatives will be impressed.
Capricorn: You will receive some exciting news that will solve an existential crisis and clarify your life in a way not experienced since puberty. Then, that news will be immediately countered by indisputable facts.
Aquarius: This will be a month of good fortune. Your health may be on the edgy side, but your boss will find it hilarious. He won’t grant you a raise, promotion, termination with a severance package and a beaming letter of recommendation for your dream job, or a kitten, but he will think of you more positively and your life will get a little better.
Pisces: You will find yourself a little more tender than usual, but as long as your name isn’t Marty McFly, this shouldn’t affect your daily mood.
Aries: Next time you take your dog for a walk, look out for a guy named “Louis.” He and your dog will be attracted toward some unfinished business. If your name is Louis, disregard this message. If you and your dog are both named Louis, then that’s just silly.
Taurus: Iguanas will find you increasingly attractive.
Gemini: You, or someone you know, will soon catch the largest Walleye you’ve ever seen. This will be a clear sign to bring out that bottle of “special” wine you were never really going to use.
Cancer: The first 85% of this year has been quite terrible for you. However, you should be able to salvage the remaining days with the expert use of a ladle.
Leo: Look up “How to tie your shoe using only your nose.” If you find a good tutorial, good for you. If you can’t, this could be your chance to make it big.
Virgo: Look in your waste basket. Grab the first three things you find. If you’re one of “those” people, they can be the first three things you feel comfortable picking up. Boil them in water. Don’t eat the result.
Libra: Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to gather a cotton ball, dew from a willow tree, and the tears of a Siberian Tiger. Bake them at 300 MPH. Unlike the Virgos, eat your result. If you feel weird about the whole thing, you have basic human senses and are probably not insane.