Sagittarius: Greetings, fellow Thanksgiving and not-quite-Christmas birthers! As the holiday child, try convincing your family/roommates/inmates to create an advent calendar for every holiday this season. It will increase your candy intake and help fatten you up for the coming winter months.
Capricorn: Winter is just around the corner, so be sure to walk on the street-side of the sidewalk in case he decides to jump out and scare you. Beware of reindeer who do not use their turn signals.
Aquarius: Be sure to carry some potato skin and a half-solved Sudoku puzzle so you can be prepared for anything.
Pisces: Okay, we ate turkey, we changed the month on the calendar, NOW can we play holiday music without your segregated seasonal agenda?
Aries: I would tell you what planets to look for and how to gaze at the moon, but face it, it’s too cold out. Thank God for Goodwill and rich people with too many blankets, am I right?
Taurus: You should learn a skill. If a particular workshop or class just popped into your head, either the radio transmitter under Pikes Peak is working or you should learn to realize your ambitions.
Gemini: In honor of your current mood, I am too lazy to write your horoscope, so you can have Libra’s.
Cancer: Remember that ladle? If you do, you have your life in order (yes, even with whatever is going on right now). If you do not, invest in a ladle, and do some historical research on yourself.
Leo: After consulting the sky, I know that the stars have just granted you unlimited spending power. This message brought to you unknowingly by Visa.
Virgo: Looking for a way to get money? Try looking for all of the deals on Amazon that say “You save $XX.XX.” Take the money you save and use it to buy more products that save you money until you have saved up enough to pay off all of your recently created debts. You may call it “immobile” or “detrimental” financial logic, I call it “self-fulfillment.”
Libra: Your hard work will finally pay off through sweet rewards! Everything you have worked for shall finally earn you‒wait. This just in: All of your rewards are being transferred to Gemini. Oh, well. Enjoy your fruitcake holiday bonus from work, I guess.
Scorpio: Congratulations! If you thought of something I could have been congratulating you about, then be proud of that achievement. If you didn’t think of anything, then you should go out and do something incredible, like tying your shoes with your nose.