Pisces: Crazy couple of months, eh? All of the Winter holidays really makes you think, “You know what I want for my birthday? To change my clock!” If your birthday is March 12, happy birthday, you get minus one hour! If it’s not, well, you can’t exactly keep yours, either. Unless you’re in Arizona or Hawaii and decide you like your time to make sense.
Aries: Pisces’ was a little long, so you get a one-liner. Congrats!
Taurus: Have you been feeling tired, recently? I recommend sleep. It’s good for your bones. Also, go easy on the stairs. No one likes being walked all over.
Gemini: This is a month of good health, so, you know, don’t get sick. Otherwise Lloyd the Health Interceptor will want a word with you. And he likes the Seahawks.
Cancer: You will soon encounter a sign that says, “Private sign, do not read.” You will at first think it’s a funny joke found at a theme park ride, but then you will get a sudden feeling of “meta.”
Leo: Oscar Wilde once said, “We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” This has nothing to do with you, I just wanted to brag that my great great grandfather knew Oscar Wilde.
Virgo: Well, it’s that time of year again. Time to take out the old winter coat and – ooh, look! Sun! Now put on some shorts and – oops, time to get out the snowblower. You know what? Why don’t you just stay inside.
Libra: I’ll take “Potpourri” for $400, Alex. I think Bob was watching TV at this time, but when I asked to confirm your horoscope, he said, “Who is ‘John Galt’?” so I let him be.
Scorpio: Be sure to watch your wallet during this month. Not because you’re going to have bad fortune, I just have this feeling that he’s been hanging around some shady checkbooks, recently.
Sagittarius: Looking for a gift but barely know the person and are wondering why you’re involved with a Secret Santa exchange in February? I recommend free counseling for your co-workers/colleagues.
Capricorn: If it’s your first time putting something in a time capsule, I recommend bringing wine. Whoever’s digging it up would really appreciate it. It would also open up space in the basement so someone doesn’t almost break their neck every time they try to feed the cat.
Aquarius: Be on the lookout for a tuna named Bartholomew. He works retail at Penny’s and really wants to share his new slam poem with you before he goes to Zimbabwe.