Aries: Something might seem slightly off today—almost like something is… early. Too early. Like something is… Temporally impaired as they used to say in the Submarine Corps. It’s like the Marines, but for sandwich makers.
Taurus: I tell you, to this day I can finish off an entire jar of peanut butter without disturbing the smooth top. I can also—Oops, sorry. Got carried away with Aries and forgot my space budget. And speaking of budgets, maybe avoid vending machines for a while.
Gemini: Go online and find the next ticket to Minneapolis. Take the time of departure and set an alarm for that time. As soon as it rings, have a kitchen timer start counting down to the corresponding time of arrival. Thank you for flying Epsilon Airlines.
Cancer: Be sure to invest in blueberries. Then go on a hike and try to make it not seem like you’re participating in insider trading. This will be hard to do, but know that almost every raccoon probably has a degree in Body Language.
Leo: Hey, dude! Awesome Rolodex! It goes great with your new Walkman and your longing desire for the simpler time that inevitably becomes today after tomorrow has become your past.
Virgo: Someday soon you will feel the desire to own a Waffle House. Make sure you have a Steve on-hand to remind you of why babies smile.
Libra: You’ve been diagnosed with Canned Worms. Be careful around party hats and highly pressurized gases.
Scorpio: You will soon be met by a canary. He will be wearing a salesman’s suits and will ask for a handshake. To combat this, I recommend activating his Trap Card and slyly whistling. This should fill him with the desire to try on shoes at Penny’s.
Sagittarius: If you ever feel the need to try on shoes at Penny’s, be sure you or your loved ones haven’t recently laid an egg. If so, belt out show tunes until Aunt Betty stops becoming a cliché.
Capricorn: Yeah, I, too, had a desire to make people pay dearly for the ways they’ve wronged me, but I lost it under the couch looking for self-esteem and hope for a better life.
Aquarius: Hey, I’ve got a high-pressure situation here. See, I was just looking at Venus when all of a sudden the bartender tore up the most manly Hawaiian guitar to pass calibration tests. And there are too many fours per meat, er, squared buttons on the ATM. Thoughts?
Pisces: Last month, Aries got swindled out of a horoscope because you took up too much space. But this month, you will repay an Aries through either a random act of kindness or a Snickers bar. Sorry, I’d know which one for sure, but Jupiter was in the way.