Ocotober Horrorscopes: Astro-logged by Bob the Astrologer

Libra: A long time ago, you were told something very secret by a very special person. If you remember it, now would be a great time to find that person again and discuss this secret in further depth. If you don’t remember, you are terrible. Like, they confided in you and you didn’t find it important enough to remember. They wanted their secret safe, not forgotten. Shame.

Scorpio: Be careful around abandoned roadways and cacti. One can a harbor dark mystery that you don’t want to be associated with, the other could poke you. Neither of those feel very good.

Sagittarius: Aren’t you sick of clouds? I mean, they weigh more than a herd of elephants and yet float above you like they’re better than everyone. And what’s worse is that these pretentious pricks spray you with water whenever they feel like it and always do that fuzzy-sock-shock thing. Jerks.

Capricorn: Take a deep breath and count to ten. You can do this. All of that work you need to get done? Do it. You got this. I believe in you. And you had better do it quickly because you’re not allowed to let go of that breath until it’s done, so chop chop.

Aquarius: Have you laughed recently? Laughing is good. Try laughing more. Find someone who will make you laugh. If you can’t (sorry), try making others laugh. Start by writing a joke. Maybe something with the punchline, “but the sneakers were too big!”

Pisces: Your hands are looking a little, well, not as toned as they could be. I recommend clipping coupons regularly to keep your palm pressed and your phalanges flex.

Aries: On your next adventure, be sure to pack well. After you are done, make sure you have packed at least one spatula and a tablespoon of Worcester sauce. They may save you from a pack of rabid cooks.

Taurus: Listen to your Queen. I don’t know who yours is, specifically, but she must be listened to at all costs. The one thing I do know is that she much be allergic to kiwis, so if she is not, do not listen to her. You have a weakness to kiwis and she must not be allowed to exploit that.
Gemini: Do you feel yourself nodding off in class, at work, or just at home in the middle of the day? You might think it’s due to a lack of sleep, but it is not. It is something in your walls, in the pipes, and completely insane, waiting for you to fall asleep outside the comfort of your own bed. Or it’s not, heh heh. Who knows? These stars can be a little hard to read sometimes.

Cancer: You will have plenty of luck with the number 2. Think about it: number of people, time of day, number of servings, “pick a number” answer, star ratings, kids, awkward encounters in the hallway where neither of you know which way to go to get around the other, other awkward encounters in long hallways where you recognize the person at the other end but don’t want to acknowledge them too soon so you cough or look at your phone until you’re in “hey” distance, lottery tickets, etc.

Leo: Wow. Just wow. Give this g—I mean, wow. A hand, everyone, give them a hand by George. I have never—I mean, wow. Seen such… such… you’re gonna go far, kid, I’ll tell you that right now. Just, I mean, keep it up. Wow.

Virgo: Mercury, Venus, and Mars are going to have a tea party. Their first stop is your place. Be nice and hospitable, but be sure to rile them up as the weeks go on, because soon you get to send them over to a Libra’s house and video cameras are about to go on sale.