Sagittarius: Well, it’s that time of year again when your birthday gets swept up in all of the holiday excitement. Soon your friends and family will be putting candles on the tree and colored lights on your cake. It’s not as bad if you’re Jewish, though. The worst thing that happens is now you have much bigger candles in your cake.
Capricorn: You’re in it for the long haul now! Well, you would be if I wasn’t super tired. Like, all the time. So I could say something about finances and health and love and stuff, but instead I’ll just say this: Do unto other as you would have them do unto you. Or whatever.
Aquarius: Are you tired of being such a wonderful person all of the time? Try “Apathy.” Your mom sends you a box of chocolates? Meh. Your roommate does the dishes AND takes out the trash? Meh. Your best friend comes to you with a heavy problem and respects your advice and sage wisdom? Meh. Ask your doctor if Mehdicine is right for you.
Pisces: The end of the year is upon us! And not in a “Oh, look! It’s almost here!” kind of upon us. More like a “your uncle came to visit and thinks it’ll be funny if he sits on you, pressing you into the couch cushions, and farts” kind of upon us.
Aries: One word: Reese’s. Put them in bowls, have them for breakfast, give them to your family, pelt invading raccoons with them in a way that complies with regulations against animal abuse, or come up with your own clever use!
Taurus: You wanna know how to annoy a Libra? DECK THE HALLS WITH BOUGHS OF HOLLY… Straight to the ear hole.
Gemini: See Virgo.
Cancer: Sir, I regret to inform you that you have not been selected for an interview at this time. Or ever. You see, when we asked for a Letter of Recommendation, we received a Post-It note that read, quote, “I ain’t got no haterz [sic],” and in place of a resume, we received a fermented strawberry. Please refrain from applying again in the future.
Leo: I see a month of good health. Congrats, you got a flu shot. Would you like a trophy?
Virgo: See Gemini.
Libra: You wanna know how to defend yourself against the annoyance of a Taurus? Remove their vocal cords. Or face.
Scorpio: I have good news and bad news. The good news is, you will never have to spend time and money cutting your hair, shaving your face/legs, or brushing your teeth again! The bad news is, you are now a potato.