School Shooting Prevented by Concealed-Carry Weapons

Given Mines’ ongoing deliberations about whether to allow concealed carry guns, last week’s news of a school shooting prevented by gun-toting good guys has the campus abuzz. “We finally have proof,” said pro-gun sophomore Ryan Schmeits, “that allowing responsible students to carry guns on campus may provide more than just an illusion of safety.”

Though there have been a few incidents of shootings that were shortened by the presence of other students or teachers who carried guns, this is the first reported case where they prevented a tragedy from occurring at all. When interviewed, the mentally unstable Sriracha University student laid out the facts. “I was bullied,” he said, “to the point where there were no options left for me. Ever since high school people have treated me like I’m beneath them, unworthy. They told me I was nothing. I’d show them what nothing was. What oblivion really meant, those hypocrites! Didn’t matter if I had to go out with them, I’d be doing the world a service by wiping their worthless faces off the planet.”

Once he had decided what he was going to do, he began the steps for acquiring a handgun and training himself in its use. He immersed himself in violent literature, psyching himself up for what he felt was a heroic role. On that fateful morning, he checked his school’s firearm policy once more before heading out. “I didn’t want to get caught before I even got started,” he explained. But something changed that day. “Don’t get me wrong,” he said, “I was ready to die, taking as many of those scumbags down with me. But when I looked at the firearm policy again, it said that concealed-carry guns were allowed on campus. That meant that I could get gunned down before taking out the maximum number of people I could — instead of killing 30 people, I might get only 15 or 16. So I decided I’d let them all live, and get myself checked into therapy. I can’t stand being less than perfect.”

This lack of tragedy was a welcome piece of good news for Sriracha students, who were still reeling from the recent loss of two of their students to a drunken firearm accident. Indeed, it is a happy piece of news for the United States at large, which is the top country in civilian gun ownership by a wide margin, almost double the rate of the next highest country. Coincidentally, it is also among the top ten in gun-related deaths per capita, higher than countries like Zimbabwe and the Philippines. It ranks even higher if only accidental deaths are measured.

“As we can clearly see from this incident,” Schmeits pointed out, “putting guns into the hands of responsible, law-abiding citizens is not only a fundamental right; it’s a necessity. Think how many lives could have been lost if that shooter hadn’t been scared away by the concealed-carry laws on his campus!” Indeed, school shootings have a history of tragically high mortality rates; in the U.S., up to 38 people have been killed by school shootings in a single year. To put this in perspective, this was almost 1/16 of the number of people that were killed in the 613 gun-related accidents in the United States in the same year.

“Being able to have guns for self-defense is a necessity in this country,” Schmeits said, “I mean, we could close the income inequality gaps in our country, since income inequality has a high positive correlation to homicide rates. But that would unfortunately make us socialist Nazi freedom-killing communist liberals, so the best way we can protect our law-abiding citizens is by allowing them to carry guns everywhere they go. Just because this is supposed to be a first-world country doesn’t mean that you’re paranoid if you need to carry a gun in your backpack to feel safe at school.”

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