Put your pants on, please

Given this ever-so-suddenly wintery week, I have been reminded of many things: the convenience of the constant availability of Kleenex, the joys of not only sipping, but simply holding, a mug of hot tea and, above all, the benefits of anything wool or fleece or any jacket with omni in the title.

When I wake up to a -24° windchill, I dress accordingly. This is the kind of weather for which you layer pants. Maybe I’m just a wimp, but I found it treacherous to walk from the Rec Center to the Student Center without my mittens on. Maybe I personally am not built for the harsh arctic winds of last Tuesday, but I find it hard to believe that there are people out there who can endure the weather in summer attires. You know who you are, Mr. Shorts and a T-Shirt on Kafadar, or you, Mr. Barefoot in Econ Lecture. I’m sorry to sound close-minded, but there is no way you are comfortable in flip-flops or less in sub-zero temperatures.

I’ve tried to reason in my head, I really have. I recognize your human rights, freedom to dress like an imbecile, whatever, but for the life of me, I cannot find a reasonable motive to justify your wardrobe choices. Are you a thrill-seeker who appreciates a daily battle with frostbite? Perhaps you are trying to impress an Eskimo acquaintance? You could be protesting on account of those without pants in other parts of the world? Or maybe you’re trying to prove your self-discipline under harsh conditions for your Survivor audition video?

My friend, much more understanding than I, brought up a valid point. There is a possibility that you cannot afford to buy a pair of pants (though logically, it is unlikely that you can pay for tuition and not jeans). Surely, though, you can afford your shorts and frankly, with two pairs of shorts, some scissors and duct tape, you’re two minutes away from homemade pants.

I may never understand your motives, and it’s true, this choice of yours personally affects me in no way, but nevertheless, your actions peeve me. It comes off almost arrogant; your lack of sleeves has a way of saying “Ha! You lowly coat-wearers, I’m above any sort of protection from this brutal winter.” Maybe this isn’t your intended statement, but I feel you should know, people (or at least, my crew and I) don’t look at your outfit with envy, respect and certainly not awe- just in case you thought the amazement of spectators made your frozen limbs worthwhile.

If you don’t change your ways for my judgmental disapproval, do it for yourself. I advise you to quit acting a fool and put some pants on, because at these temperatures, it only takes five minutes to get frostbite. No one will think less of you and your jacket-less cause. In fact, we’re all in support of you dressing wisely, because lets be honest, you won’t be so aloof when your toes fall off. The jig is up, Mr. Sans-Pants, suck it up and get dressed.

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