Aries – As Aries is a ram, today you will either transform into a truck and fight the evils of the universe, or you will begin to feast on garbage and your pupils will become rectangular. Let us hope for the former.
Taurus – You have always felt the spirit of the bull inside of you – the power, the awe-striking magnificence, the tasty rib-eye steaks. Be careful of that last one, though, when you get stranded on a desert island this week.
Gemini – Your long lost twin is secretly conspiring against you. They will take over your life this Thursday, just in time for leftover day at the Slate. This should be enough to drive them off for another few months.
Cancer – Be proud when you become the first guest star on that popular crab fishing show. It was better than the other option you were entertaining that had to do with crabs and reality TV. Enough said.
Leo – A famous nursery rhyme once mentioned catching a lion by its tail. Oh no, wait, that was a tiger. Normally, this mistake would be harmless except that a bunch of Sheen wannabes will forget the difference when looking for tiger’s blood.
Virgo – A little bit of dating advice. If you want to get beyond first base, you may want to leave your mother at home for your next date. I know she is a nice lady, but in all honesty, it was a bit awkward when you started playing footsie under the table with her instead of your date.
Libra – Lady justice is awesome, as long as you are on the right side of the law. On the other hand, when you tried to break into the steam tunnels, justice was swift. Oh, and those lizard-men aliens you saw controlling the school, well, let us just say you did not see anything…
Scorpio – This one may be a stretch, but just because something is in your nature does not mean you should do it. So put away the cheez-whiz and liters of mountain dew you were about to consume at the same time. We do not care how convenient cheese in a can is.
Sagittarius – Having a horse for a torso is awesome. Take it from me; I am a centaur. The only problems that you will experience this week will have to do with where to store all that hay you will suddenly be craving.
Capricorn – What the heck is a Capricorn? I do not know what it means. I know it is on the prompter, but what is it? How can we lead out with one if I do not know what it is. &$!@ it, we will do it live!
Aquarius – According to ancient texts (Wikipedia), Aquarius is a manly water-bearer. You, on the other hand, lack both of these traits. Apply to be a fireman this week to satisfy the requirements. It is better than anything you are doing now.
Pisces – Fish are smelly and, frankly, so are you. I am done being nice like I was last week. It is a good thing in this case though, as when you play humans versus zombies, you will be able to walk through zombie horde with no fear of becoming infected!