Zombie training drill reveals weaknesses

Mines students and faculty are concerned with the results from the zombie outbreak drill that began last week. Framed as a game to prevent panic among the students, the drill simulated the conditions of a zombie outbreak using Nerf weapons and bright green bandannas around the arm (human) or skull (zombie). The results were horrifying. By the end of the week, the zombies had gained a clear dominance over their human counterparts and were seen forming rudimentary social groups without fear of attack.

“These are not the results we were hoping for at all,” said the student health center’s infectious disease specialist Henry West. “We expected our campus’ defenses to hold out against an attack much better than this. But the problem here is that people are too trusting, too complacent around their friends. They are used to infectious diseases that do not pass so certainly from person to person, diseases that do not automatically doom one to a life as a shambling terror.”

As a result, the health center has begun to manufacture signs and placards informing students of the danger, and has even called for a design contest to harness the creative power of the student body and further raise awareness. “Chances are,” West explained, “that a zombie outbreak would not start here, for various reasons. But the drill shows that even if given time to acquire weapons and ample warning of the attack, we could be quickly overwhelmed.”

West also explained that students need to be prepared to fight on campus, since the current zombie outbreak protocols do not call for closing the school. He recommended honing fighting styles that use unconventional items such as chairs and pencils, as well as memorizing the layout of Chauvenet hall. “Not only does Chauvenet have that well-stocked bomb shelter a few stories down,” he pointed out, “but the labyrinth of rooms required to get there should put all but the most determined undead off your trail.” West also urged students to protect their female friends at all costs. “If the worst happens and civilization is destroyed, we need them if we’re going to repopulate and rebuild.”

The health center is currently planning a follow-up drill with different starting parameters, after which time they hope to move on to other worst-case scenario drills. “Be on the lookout for a humans vs. velociraptors drill,” West said.

Copyright © 2020 The Oredigger Newspaper. All Rights Reserved.