Mines to institute No-Girl-Left-Behind

In their latest effort to attract more people of the female persuasion to Mines, the financial aid department has announced several new grants and scholarships targeted at women. These new scholarships have one limitation, and it is one that many men will find annoying. Simply put, you need a set of ovaries. While some men at this prestigious school would see this as an opportunity, most would rather the financial aid department just be more lenient.

The woman responsible for the new scholarships (and the limitations on those scholarships), Glados Nazzin, is calling the new efforts the No-Girl-Left-Behind act, symbolizing her goal of having all women attend Mines. The side effects of this new act by the financial aid department are perhaps more profound than Nazzin first anticipated. The most important and medically serious side effect will be the vast number of men seeking a set of ovaries for implantation. Initially this seems like a terrible idea, and does not make any sense to the engineering mind. If you take the time, however, you too will see the logic. In today’s world of economic instability and high joblessness rates, men have been driven to do unseemly things. While having a set of ovaries implanted in your abdomen might seem a little weird, with the rapidly rising cost of school and the increasing difficulty in finding good paying jobs, it has become the go-to solution for many mewomen (pronounced meh-wo-men, this is a new term coined by the medical community to describe those who have opted for the ovaries implant).

How does this operation help men pay for school? Quite simply, having a set of ovaries allows you to call yourself a woman, whether you look like one or not. If you can convince the financial aid department of the Colorado School of Mines that you are a woman, they will allow you to apply for these new scholarships. Because real women also apply for and often get the same scholarships as men, they don’t need the special scholarships that only apply to them, so that money is available to mewomen.

When asked about these new measures, one student was optimistic. “Frankly, I’m excited about the opportunities. Being a man but also qualifying for sex-specific scholarships and grants, this is fantastic. I really wish Mines would have moved to this sooner, it’s really great.” This student chose to see the bright side of the sex-specific scholarships, but some were not so happy about it. One student commented that he felt “discriminated against… Honestly, I really feel that Mines is being unfair. I mean, there are no scholarships for just men, why should there be scholarships for just women? If you look at it, most of the women here are smarter than the men, and a lot of times the scholarships are just based on grades, so they get more of them anyway.”
Further study showed the disgruntled student to be in the majority, and many agreed that “having a set of ovaries implanted in our abdomens just doesn’t seem like a good idea.” Another student added, “I just really don’t want to have all the same parts as my girlfriend. That’s just weird.” He continued, “At least we can’t have real boobs. Well, not yet, anyway.”

Now that Mines has instituted No-Girl-Left-Behind, men have chosen to step up their game. Rather than allow Mines to become all about the girls, those of the male persuasion have decided to keep being nerdy and socially awkward, to keep as many normal girls away from here as possible.

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