Why we should replace finals with Pokémon

Finals are the most outdated method for calculating how much students learn in the course of a semester. The current system combines trying to learn large amounts of knowledge over a little period of time, causing cranium combustion in most student’s minds.

We need a replacement with the same characteristics of finals. Something that would offer the same rigor, yet with half the stress. Naturally, the first suitable replacement that comes to everyone’s mind is Pokémon.

This finals 2.0 exam, best known as the Pokéxam, would be quite simple. Instead of individual two hour exams, all students will take one massive five hour Pokéxam. Each student will receive either a red, blue, or yellow Pokémon Gameboy cartridge upon arrival (if it ain’t one of the originals, it ain’t Pokémon). To receive an “A” on the Pokéxam, you must beat the Elite Four before the time is up.

As with the old, boring finals format, cheating is an absolute no-no. Swimming back and forth next to Cinnabar Island will look awfully suspicious to the test supervisors (and don’t act like you don’t know what I am talking about). Also, naming your opponent anything slanderous will be considered a personal attack on your teacher.

You may be thinking, “Why Pokémon?” Well, why not Pokémon? After all, Pokémon is almost exactly like the current finals system. The old finals required large amounts of knowledge to pass. If you did not know the material, you were destined to fail. The same can be said with Pokémon. Fail to realize that Abra evolves? Good luck getting to the Elite Four. Forget that the first gym leader has rock-type Pokémon? Might as well start playing Yu-Gi-Oh!

Teachers loved the old finals because they also tested your accumulated knowledge throughout the year. Fear not, Pokémon does too. If you have not learned by the 8th gym that water Pokémon beat fire Pokémon, you obviously do not understand the game (and lack a basic understanding of the properties of fire and water). Not knowing the material will result in failure on the Pokéxam, just like as in the previous exam format.

Many people found the old finals to be extremely stressful. Pokémon, while significantly reducing stress levels, can still offer some stress too. Ever tried killing another Pokémon with a Magikarp?

When taking finals in the past, everyone always calculated what grade they needed to receive to pass the course. Do not worry, the new finals format will not take this excitement away. If you do not calculate the HP needed to survive a Gyarados hyper beam, you may end up finding yourself staring at that all-too-friendly Pokénurse!

Of course, the thing that made the old finals system so unique was how quickly you forgot all the information you crammed for. Sadly, the Pokéxam cannot offer this. Unlike an uninteresting, easy-to-forget derivative, you will never forget the first time that a Snorlax blocked your path.

This knowledge retention is a large-scale issue that must be addressed. Obviously, if we wish to match the old finals format, we cannot have this in the Pokéxam. To combat this strange concept of remembering information, I suggest we force students to stare at a chalkboard for, say, 15 hours a week, and this can be repeated for some arbitrary amount of time like 16 weeks. To take preventative measures, we should repeat this cycle at least 8 times during the student’s life. This will ensure that students will not remember anything on the Pokéxam.

Or we could just change the current education system into something that will allow students to not only learn, but actually retain the knowledge learned.

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