Syrup Hall plans in progress

In light of the recent oversized swarm of freshman who could not fit in CSM’s residence halls without tripling up, officials have decided on the need for another brand new residence hall to fit more freshies. Mines’ most recently built residence hall, Maple Hall, is lauded as a huge success in wake of its first full year of service, but Maple alum Seth Sophomore said, “There has to be a few changes,” when asked for input for the design of the new hall. Officials have decided to make the new hall an EPICS I project, as there is necessity for it to be done as soon as possible.

Mines alumnus and generous donor Mabel Syrup agreed to fund the final design with the implication that it is to be named Syrup Hall. The EPICS department, along with the architectural group hired by CSM are impressed with the quality of the plans and expect to break ground on December 21, 2012.

One of the prominent features of the future Syrup Hall is a no-door policy. One of the criticisms, especially by students who lived in the Traditional Halls, is that Maple residents left their doors closed. Seth Sophomore responded, “It’s true that our doors were mostly closed, but they were automatically closing, so I was too lazy to put my roommate’s doorstop in.” There was concern about a lack of privacy in the designs of Syrup Hall, so the Department of Residence Life is considering not designing co-ed floors as those in Maple and Weaver, saying “There’s mostly dudes who will live there anyway, and they won’t mind, hopefully.”

A study done during the last school year revealed that Maple residents had alarmingly high GPAs. “Yeah, I practically lived in that study room,” remembered Seth Sophomore. “I studied all the time there and the ‘social’ lounge. That’s where all my friends hung out, just getting green boxes until there were no more to get.” This caused great discomfort with Mines administrators, and they want to balance things out in the design of Syrup Hall. “We can’t have another very large residence hall with students staying inside and studying all the time,” they said. “These kids have to get out and have fun.” Instead of study rooms on each floor, the design for Syrup includes one study lounge that does double duty as a gaming room. Urban Gaming Club has also been pushing for a Nerf Gun shooting range to be installed on one of the floors of Syrup. There was also a suggestion to transplant Maple’s game room with a pool table and shuffleboard to Syrup eventually, but the Maple RAs who frequent the game room objected.

Researchers found that the neutral colors of Maple’s interior drove students into an even greater state of insanity than other dorm residents at Mines. They tie this to “mental hospital syndrome” – the theory that when placed in a white room with Blastercard access needed everywhere and calculus problems forced upon them, students start to show symptoms of insanity. In order to avoid or postpone this unfortunate, yet inevitable, disease at CSM, design teams have decided to liven up the walls with art. “Unfortunately all the right-brain inclined students are nowhere to be found due to their busy schedules, so we outsourced the job to some CU-Boulder students,” one administrator said. A plan to rid Syrup Hall of the odor once CU students finish the murals on the walls inside will be included as part of the EPICS design project.

“The Oredigger” also interviewed sophomores who lived in other residence halls. Brad Ford commented, “[Maple’s] so bright and shiny on the outside… I have to wear my shades when I look at it.” The designers are considering an exterior that absorbs light rather than reflecting it. The designers are not focusing as much on energy efficiency in Syrup Hall, making it their goal to only “not use as much electricity as Marquez Hall uses at night.”

Instead of spending money on an elaborate kitchen, Syrup Hall will be equipped with twenty microwaves. Seth Sophomore agreed with the move saying, “Yeah, if they don’t want Bradford kids coming over and invading the kitchen we paid for, might as well just include the bare necessities and make it less attractive.”

The design team and CSM administrators concurred in their hope that “the residents of Syrup will be happy individuals growing with fun activities together without the distraction of studying or white walls, therefore becoming extremely extroverted,” seemingly implying that the introvertedness of Maple residents was caused by closing doors, and ignoring the fact that all students accepted to CSM are a bunch of nerds.

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