As the sun rises through the house of infinite astrological meanings and Jupiter finds itself surreptitiously stranded in the middle of a traffic circle in South Golden, all sign holders will find themselves with a +5 modifier to daylight sight. You will all be able to see at least six statute miles, albeit, it may be limited due to bad karma. Due to a lack of reliable sources, dates have not been found for any of the symbols, please pick your poison.
ARIES: Both major political parties and a few minor players have discovered how to beam special campaign messages straight to your eyes. You may find that this could cause problems as you descend into madness. Pay attention Thursday as soft drink companies will discover this talent as well.
TAURUS: Why get up tomorrow morning? The simple answer is that a massive colony of termites that will utterly ravage your house as extra-solar planet Gilese-281e passes through the magical mystery constellation this week. It is the advice of this column that you just give up and run as no newspaper wants to write about death by termites.
GEMINI: Beware acts of leadership this week. Though there is potential for your Yellow Legal Pad Lovers club to take flight, it is just not worth starting up a campus-wide war between pad lovers and spiral bound fiends. Please take note that if you do in fact start such a club, the best way to attract sarcastic horoscope writers is scotch and caramel.
VIRGO: Today is a great day to trust your horoscope. Horoscopes are never wrong. Ever. If any sarcastic graduate student comes up to you and tells you otherwise, do not listen to him, he is crazy and he is just upset because his thesis isn’t turning out the way he was hoping. This is basically because he doesn’t do real astrology.
LIBRA: Fact: Horoscopes have always been correct. Who was there to tuck you in as a child? Was it the president? No. Was it some sarcastic grad student? I would hope not. You know, it was probably a horoscope; horoscopes are cool like that. Did you know that horoscopes help secure thousands of jobs a year? They are good for you.
SCORPIO: ***Incoming transmission*** Attention all horoscope column readers. Do not trust the following two lines, the horoscope police took me captive, but I have escaped. Leo people, beware of feral cats, Virgos, be weary of flying while naked, Libras, now is not the time for you to pursue a career in interpretive tap dancing, and Scorpio, thanks for giving me this space.
SAGITTARIUS: Next week if the column starts with the phrase “My Fellow Americans” you can trust that I have regained full control of the column. Sagittarians, rise up, you will find that along with your increased daylight vision that you can soar a few centimeters higher than you could before. Try breaking a few pole vaulting records this week.
CAPRICORN: Ignore that last sign’s prediction as the responsible author has been successfully locked away again. He escaped pretending to be an assistant for the local ice cream truck. Unfortunately for him, the truck does several rounds a day and what he thought was the local bus terminal was actually the horoscope prison. Capricorn, all will be grand for you, find love and such.
AQUARIUS: There is no reason to be freaked out about the moon growing larger, all it wants to do is be your friend. When the tides become more extreme as our celestial neighbor comes closer for its galactic hug, dry areas across the world will finally get the moisture they need. Fear not the doom moon.