Excuse epidemic sweeps campus

Being incredibly awkward, the Investigator of Excuses found herself tripping over her own feet and disrupting a nearby friend. She apologized, but added the excuse, “I go to Mines. Clumsy is normal.”

The Investigator came across the same friend at the grocery store after the first PHGN200 exam. The friend’s cart was filled with ice cream. The friend noticed the Investigator and after feeling embarrassed for a second, replied matter-of-factly, “I go to Mines.”

Intrigued by her excuse, the Investigator and other students at the store at that time decided to buy multiple tubs of cookie dough as a precursor to the next week’s exams. The Investigator noticed numerous freshmen following her actions, undoubtedly mystified on how to emotionally survive school and eager to try anything.

The students ate the cookie dough prematurely while doing homework, and have even started bringing it into the classroom. Upperclassmen have already used this technique, but have increasingly become less private about where they consume their sweets upon hearing their peers do the same thing. When professors asked about the recent trend of ice cream and cookie dough in class, students said, “I go to Mines.” The melting and stickiness has ruined worksheets and has made using computer keyboards around campus a nightmare.

The spread of this excuse is leading to an epidemic far more serious than ruined keyboards. High concentrations of what can best be described as “body odor” have been measured coming out of Meyer and Alderson Hall, as an increasing number of Physics and Chemical Engineering majors have given up on hygiene, saying, “I go to Mines and have no time to spend on such things.” A significant part of the female student body has given up “frivolous time spent in front of the mirror” and all students have generally stopped trying to match their socks.

The dean has become more concerned about these “disastrous actions,” noting that that the grades of a majority of students enrolled in LAIS courses have decreased by at least two letter grades for those courses. The effect is especially seen in freshman taking Nature and Human Values. One freshman responded “I go to Mines to do Math.”

An unnoticed effect has been on the romantic hopes of Mines guys. “I go to Mines… I might as well give up and play more Starcraft,” one said, right before he and several other males retreated to their basements.

The only unaffected students have been the student athletes. When asked, one said “I’m an athlete. The fact that I go to Mines doesn’t lessen the effort I put into being an athlete.” The Orediggers have continued to perform well in their respective sports, but a few cases of sock mismatches have been spotted.

After researching for this report, the Investigator of Excuses failed to submit it in time “because I go to Mines,” and as a consequence no campus-wide changes will likely be made in the near future by school administrators who depended on this report.

The situation is expected to return to normal as soon as Fall Break boosts morale.

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