Mines student runs for President

Last week Filipe Escutcheon III, an Econ Senior at the Colorado School of Mines, chose to place himself in the presidential race as a third party candidate. When asked, he explained his decision to run as “a personal goal in life, one that I think fits well with my current desires as an econ major here at Mines.” He continued, “I’m not really worth anything as an econ major here, so I decided that being President of the United States would be a better decision career-wise.”

With the presidential race winding to a close, Escutcheon’s entrance at the ninth hour prompted odd stares from the high rollers in the Republican and Democratic parties. They see his chances as slim to non-existent, though he is staunch in his belief that he can pull a solid win by splitting the vote. In his estimation, by giving voters the option to pick him as the shiniest of three turds, he can garner a substantial number of votes.

Escutcheon held a town hall discussion of his policies last Friday, and there was an excellent turnout from Mines. With roughly 327 girls attending, it was arguably the largest gathering of females in the history of mines, outside of Convocation of new freshman classes. One of the questions directed at Escutcheon was in regards to his policies on college loans. He responded that he thinks the government needs to pay for all of college, regardless of their grades, goals, personal accomplishments, etc. In Escutcheon’s estimation, schooling should be as free as a bird in Nepal. Totally free.

One reporter for the London Sunday Times present at the event asked Escutcheon what his views were on the military and foreign policy. The presidential candidate offered one nugget of wisdom, and said that he believes that “other countries need to screw themselves and leave the U.S. alone.” He continued, saying, “We have enough problems with running our own country, and we don’t need to worry about other people. The military needs to do fundraisers and make money for themselves.”

While many may see Escutcheon as a poor choice for Commander in Chief and the leader of the free world, it is undeniable that he is more level-headed in his understanding of how the world works than either Mitt Romney or President Barack Obama. His experience is lacking, his personal hygiene is suspect, and his worldview is decidedly undecided, but he is sincere. Vote for him this week, and prove to the world that we need sincerity again.

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