Explosive Gear Review

Brand new from Aperture Laboratories, the newest item to come onto the market that everyone is exploding over is the Combustible Lemon.

To test out the Combustible Lemon and its slogan “It will burn any house down,” the Colorado School of Mines used the lemon during one of the many the physics studio time periods on campus.

To activate the lemon, the user simply pulls the pin and throws. The physics studio burned down in a matter of seconds, 3.143 seconds to be exact. After the flames were quelled and the damage was assessed, it was discovered that the entire Lon-Capa system was also obliterated, removing Physics from the school. Professor Rock Throw noted that it will return, but after giving him a lemon to play with, forgot all about this notion.

“The Oredigger” was able to get a hold of one of these fantastic devices and even get an exclusive interview with one of the scientist behind its creation. Aperture scientist Gary Baer sat down with “The Oredigger” to talk about Aperture’s new invention.

[Oredigger]: Thank you for meeting with us Mr. Baer. Now, how did this product come to fruition?

[Baer]: Well, we were working on the Borealis in the laboratory when suddenly our boss Cave Johnson stormed in, coughing and yelling at us to stop all tasks and take the lemons that “life” suddenly handed him and build a combustible lemon so that he may “burn their house down, with the lemon.”

Didn’t you think this was a strange request?

Are you serious? We are Aperture science! We were able to make a gel to make you run faster or bounce you high into the air. We are the ones who made mantis people, Well… not voluntarily, but we did! This project that Mr. Johnson is making us do is very easy. The only thing to consider is how we can make it work.

So how does it work, if I may ask?

Well, when you pull the pin, an Aperture Science Mini Portal opens on the inside of the lemon. Another portal opens inside our infinite universe mini nuke generator that is constantly exploding. Once opened, the user has only .2151 seconds to throw the lemon before the explosion is caught in the user side of the portal. From there, you can just watch the beautiful fireworks.

To buy your own combustible lemon, you can go to the official Aperture Science Strategic Selling Store located where the Black Mesa facility used to be. One will run you $1,000, but it is well worth it when you can take out your enemies with a lemon. How fun does that sound?

With that, Baer pulled a small device out of his pocket, clicked it twice, then disappeared in a puff of fragrant yellow smoke.

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