Everyone has seen the geese wandering around Mines Park, the intramural fields, and all over campus. These are not simple coincidences. These geese are working with North Korea and are planning to take over the United States starting with the Colorado School of Mines.
Part of North Korea’s agreement with the geese is that the geese will place strategic gas bombs everywhere that will slowly but surely poison the students and faculty of CSM to open the campus for North Korea to use for their diabolical plots. These bombs are fairly easy to spot. Look for small, green and white devices spread out on sidewalks and on lawns. Some have prematurely detonated and have already released their poison. Students should make sure not to cover themselves in it.
“The Oredigger” sent investigative reporter Taylor Tyree (no relation to Chase Tyree) undercover to get information from North Korean leader Kim Jong-un. After following Kim for three months, “The Oredigger” finally received word from Tyree.
His hastily scribbled message on the back of a dumpling wrapper had this to say: “All hail the great leader Kim Jong-un, for he is the one who slayed the last of the Unicorns and set free the people of North Korea from the tyranny of the great Dragon Smogalicious. We shall honor him with food, lots of food, buffets of food, and he does not have a plan to work with the Canadian Geese of Colorado to take over the United States of America. He is a great leader and would never brainwash evil American spies for his own amusement.” Judging from the state of his doughy message, Tyree is in a bit of a pickle, but the geese situation is more important than his rescue for the time being.
As a result, Colorado School of Mines police officers are taking action. Since the geese are too powerful for police to handle, the CSM force has hired members of the Urban Gaming Club (UGC) to take on the responsibility to capture and/or kill all of the geese on campus before their plan can go into effect. UGC is still looking for volunteers for the CGES (Canadian Geese Extermination Squad), saying ,”Sign up today and be part of the good fight.”
Students and faculty of Mines should remember these few simple rules during this time of war. First, avoid stepping on the goose land mines, for it may be the last thing on which one treads. Second, make sure to keep doing physics problems in one’s mind so that the North Korean’s brainwashing equipment becomes non-functional. Last, never accept invites from strange geese. If any of the geese gives an offer or an invite to a BBQ or a goose party, despite how fun it sounds, it will be a trap to brainwash their victims to join their evil cause.
Stay safe out there CSM. And good luck, we’re all counting on you.