Too many uses for duct tape

Everyone knows about that wonderful grey tape that can repair everything from shoes to furniture, but lately the household staple has been under fire. From teachers using the stuff to quiet children to cowards using it to fake their own kidnappings, one must wonder if the creator of duct tape realized what his invention would do for society. After all, “duck tape,” as it was originally called, was actually created for military use during World War II. It evolved into duct tape when it was introduced into the civilian market and now, over 70 years later, the stuff has evolved yet again. Its original drab army green has given way to Mario and mustaches, and its amazing strength has been the subject of many a “MythBusters” episode.

The problem with duct tape, however, is actually the fact that it can repair everything. It’s simply an overpowered household item. In books, the protagonist certainly can’t do everything; the story would be much too boring. The story would be predictable and there would be no incentive to finish the book. Duct tape acts in a similar manner. Since it can fix everything, it removes some level of uncertainty. It becomes the answer to every “How do I fix it?” and lives in every toolbox in America. Although it leads to quite a bit of ingenuity, its overpowering nature undermines modern life. People don’t even need to look for a manual to fix anything and tools are little more than space wasters. When one tool can do it all, people become fearless in the quests for ultimate fixes. Life as many knew it has come to an end because of plastic-covered, adhesive fabric.

The absolute worst part is that duct tape never leaves. Its adhesive survives forever and only causes more problems. It grabs the dust and creates unsightly marks on everything it touches. It rips paint from walls and vandalizes furniture, and that’s only the beginning. Duct tape defaces so many things in its quest to fix everything that it sometimes causes more problems than it solves.

However, there is still hope. Gaffer tape, gorilla glue, and other similar products have yet to follow in duct tape’s path. These products can still save what’s left of humanity as long as society gives them a chance. They may not quite have duct tape’s strength or durability, but they can still certainly fix most of the world’s problems. WD-40 can fix the rest.

Emily McNair is a down-to-Earth artist who is rarely seen without some form of video game regalia. She is from the small town of Monument, Colorado and loves to spend her precious spare time outdoors. She has been with The Oredigger for three years and is currently Managing Editor. She is working on a degree in chemical engineering and will graduate in May.

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