Parking Services Announcement

It’s no secret on the Mines campus that people are annoyed by the parking situation. With parking lots disappearing under the foundations of new buildings and existing lots being upgraded to a more expensive tier on a regular basis, some are questioning the motives and wisdom of those who normally work so hard to make sure that student needs are met. However, Parking Services recently released a reassuring explanation for these actions. Claiming that there is “A veritable wealth of unused space” on campus of which they are preparing to take full advantage of. A representative from Parking Services said that they were very excited to announce that they are beginning to accept bids for the project which they claim will solve all of campuses parking woes.

“We are of course,” the representative said, “Talking about the commission of an anti-gravity device.” When pressed for details, the representative explained that technically, the device will be more of a gravity manipulator; capable of shifting the direction of gravitational fields ninety degrees to allow students and faculty to drive straight onto and park on the sides of buildings. “I cannot really see what everyone is complaining about,” commented the representative. “We aren’t really removing any space when we build on top of parking lots. We’re simply moving that space around.

Now we’ve figured out how to use it in a manner that showcases the typical Mines’ ability to lead the way with new technology.” The representative also confirmed that once the new parking was implemented, Parking Services will be changing the majority of the ground parking to red lots, due to severe overcrowding in the current limited spacing in such lots.
“Of course,” the representative added, “This will all happen several months from now because of the time it will take to build the ramps we’ll need to allow cars access to the sides of buildings. We could have that part of the project done in a couple weeks if we pushed it, but frankly, we need the extra time to make this project seem more important and to push the costs up so our budget isn’t cut next year.”

When asked about the logistics of a system needed to maintain such advanced devices, the representative said that “Well, the devices will be programmed and tested individually, but once they’re up and running, the system will be linked through Blackboard. After all, this campus places such a high value on its students that any site good enough to store their grades and most important classroom material, must be good enough to handle a system that holds their most expensive possessions.” In the final moments of the announcement, a curious onlooker asked if the options such as adding extra bus stops or a shuttle system or even building new parking lots instead of new buildings had been considered. The representative simply smiled and said “Come on now sir; that’s just not feasible.”

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