March 30, 2014 – Page 2

Heiland Lecture Renamed Following Pot Ruling

In honor of the legalization of marijuana in the state of Colorado, the name of the weekly Geophysics departmental lecture is being officially changed from Heiland to High Land lecture. The university president has assured the public that this is not meant to reflect the local elevation of Golden (about six thousand feet above sea level, which is fairly high in and of itself) but is rather a way to honor the new law, which President Scoggins has called “a truly groundbreaking piece of legislation” about which he is “totally stoked”. A renaming ceremony is planned for April 20th, in which students are invited to gather at the Green Center with their smoking paraphernalia and enjoy brownies, chips, and various other “munchies” with the president and Geophysics faculty. Attendees of the seminar will be allowed to smoke during the hour-long talk, a controversial decision.

Headlines from around the NEW world: 3/31/14

Russian President Vladimir Putin has signed a law formalizing the annexation of Europe. While no one else is recognizing the annexation, Putin said while Bond-villainously stroking a white cat “muahahaha let them protest, first Europe, next the world”. The United Nations has announced a plans to pass a resolution to send a rather strongly worded letter at some point assuming Russia doesn’t veto the resolution or failing to pass the resolution, will make Russia sit with the lame countries at the UN cafeteria.

Geology Department moves onto Kafadar

Mines administration, USG, GSG, and the Geology Department have all agreed that having a department building for Geology is useless, so all Geology classes will now be held out in Kafadar. “They’re always on Kafadar anyway,” said President Scoggins. This includes the classes already out on Kafadar, such as Structural Geology, but will also include freshman GEOL101 all the way to graduate-level petrology. TAs and professors will hold office hours while hammocking or slacklining.

When working in the Industry Goes Wrong: Geotech

Peter Mooncrest Sandoval (PMS, as indicated by the initials recorded on the borehole logs recorded on 2/25/06 [Exhibit A]) performed poorly on the tasks assigned to him, which eventually led to the termination of his entry-level geologic consultant position at a Geotechnical firm.

Dinosaur Statue on Campus?

Everyone on campus has seen the strange stone sculpture on Kafadar Commons. No one is really sure what it is supposed to be or why it is there. Recently, there has been an executive decision made by officials at the school that the strange three rock stone sculpture is to come down and be replaced. The statue is to be replaced by something much larger and more straight forward.

Unprecedented Change to Civil Engineers’ Field Session

Civil engineers partaking in field session this summer will have a new challenge to contend with: updating campus buildings. The recent influx of students has increased the need for larger lecture halls and current buildings are being used to capacity. Incoming freshmen classes keep growing, which has been putting strain on already aging facilities. More and more students crowd small classrooms and residence halls are often over capacity. To compensate, Mines can do one of two things: increase the number of buildings or increase the capacity of those it already has. Rather than increase the number of buildings on campus and remove Kafadar Commons, the administration is looking to make current buildings taller.

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Twilight: The Single Greatest Movie of All Time

There is a great unsung epic of the silver screen. It comprises five movies and is based upon a four-book series by the best author of the modern era, maybe of all time. It stars the two best actors and possibly the single best actress who has ever lived. Thousands have thrilled, gasped, sighed, laughed, and wept at its brilliance, and even more have dreamt themselves into the story. It is a tale of love and life which will persist for all eternity.

Slate gives free cooking classes to graduating seniors

New graduates are not known for their chef skills, often ordering pizza every day and sometimes combining leftovers that do not combine well into one dish. Thankfully, Slate Café has been offering the chance of a lifetime the past week to seniors expected to graduate in May. Students who will be grad students are not welcome as voted on by student government and are instead offered a two-week course called “Scavenging”. GSG was fine with the ruling (as they are with most rulings) and said, “Ain’t nobody got time for [cooking].”

Hordes of Unknown Entities Once Again Descend Upon Campus – A Review

Aside from being written by an outdated “biologist,” the previous article written about the strange herds of creatures wandering around campus was based on very little observations.

Review Corner: Oredigger Article “Twilight: Best Movie Ever”

It is almost a human trait to review all that is around us. From refrigerators to potential mates, very little in society is capable of escaping the fine tooth comb of obsessive rating geeks. There is one aspect of society that tends to be immune from the ever present spotlight of the reviewer’s mind, that being the reviews themselves. Much as Alan Moore brought about the phrase “Who watches the Watchmen?” in the 1987 comic book classic “Watchmen,” this article seeks to answer the question: who reviews the reviews? The answer is of course, (and to break the standards of journalistic writing for a second by using the first person), me, that’s who.

Daily Archives: March 30, 2014