Heiland Lecture Renamed Following Pot Ruling

In honor of the legalization of marijuana in the state of Colorado, the name of the weekly Geophysics departmental lecture is being officially changed from Heiland to High Land lecture. The university president has assured the public that this is not meant to reflect the local elevation of Golden (about six thousand feet above sea level, which is fairly high in and of itself) but is rather a way to honor the new law, which President Scoggins has called “a truly groundbreaking piece of legislation” about which he is “totally stoked”. A renaming ceremony is planned for April 20th, in which students are invited to gather at the Green Center with their smoking paraphernalia and enjoy brownies, chips, and various other “munchies” with the president and Geophysics faculty. Attendees of the seminar will be allowed to smoke during the hour-long talk, a controversial decision.

A poll was taken among the students and faculty to select the Heiland’s new title after low attendance convinced the Geophysics department that the lecture series needed a makeover. The new theme, the High Land lecture, was selected with a ninety-eight percent majority, beating out several other suggested titles.
When asked their opinion of the name change, students in the geophysics department were generally positive. “I think it’s freakin’ awesome, man,” Eden Potter, a junior, told the Gold Digger. “I’ve been going to those talks for, like, three years, and they could really use a bong hit, if you ask me.”

Stone Freeman, a senior, agreed. “I already go to the Heiland high. This will just give me an excuse to smoke during the lecture, instead of just before and after it. Plus they’re totes providing Cheetos now, and I love Cheetos more than life itself. For real.”

The Gold Digger also interviewed the graduate student population and found grad students to be even more in favor of the change than the undergrads. Mimi Hendrix, a fourth-year master’s student, tried to articulate why she likes the new name. “Well, it’s, I mean, it’s like, if your name is who you are, well, if you change your name, like, it’s like you’re changing who you are. I’m changing my name, too. I’m going to be Sunflower Rocketship from now on. I got the idea from this sweet album I, like, heard in Amsterdam. Want to listen?”

Not everyone is so enthusiastic about the new title, however. Candy Kane, a fifth-year senior, complained that the Heiland could have received a better theme for its makeover. “I was really hoping it would become the Pie Land Lecture,” she lamented on her Livejournal account. “I know it’s great that they’re giving out free chips and all, but I would much rather they gave out free pie.” This sentiment is shared by a small but passionate group of students, who are busily gathering signatures on a petition to “Resurrect Pie Land”, which so far has met with minor support. Other rejected titles include the Cry Land lecture, a seminar about feelings, and the Why Land? lecture, in which speakers would come and expound upon the possibilities of human settlements in space or underwater colonies. If the new lecture title does not draw more students to the talks, President Scoggins has promised to entertain some of the other possible themes. He allows, however, that this is “highly unlikely” to occur.

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