Step one: Only buy 300 packets and give over half of them away to friends. You’re welcome friends. Maybe if we had known the pedometers were going to be such a big hit we would have bought more.
Step two: Wednesday. You may have thought all the money raised by Alphatraz is going to charity but really we are taking it for ourselves. Hope you did not volunteer to get locked in jail because you are never getting out.
Step Three: Thursday. Approximately 9 people will be laughing at this year’s comedian and that will be the MAC executive council. Fooling the entire campus at into thinking E-Days was actually happening is a pretty solid April Fool’s prank.
As for casino night, you can gamble all you want but the real gamble is whether or not there is going to be a concert.
Step Four: Friday. Looking forward to burritos and ice cream sandwiches on the Ore Cart Pull? Too bad, I already ate them. And this year, Blaster will be pulling the ore cart with me inside. No way I’m walking all seven of those miles. Forget the ROI articles, the next news report Mines will be in will be titled: “Engineering school works school mascot to death.” What’s better than a reputation of animal abuse? At the Friday Night ‘Event’ the only Sound Remedy you’ll be getting is a good night’s sleep.
Step Five: Saturday. Cardboard boat race? New name: Cardboard gloat race. It’s just going to be me, sitting on a pedestal of cardboard while I’m fanning myself with the Alphatraz cash. The only bad thing is that the cardboard will be weighed down by all of the hoarded packets. And what’s all the excitement about 303 about? Isn’t that a zip code?
Final Step: It’s pretty well known that MAC is the laziest, largest waste of student funds out there. That’s why this year we are requesting even more money! We may be saying this will help us buy more E-Days packets for you all next year, but really we will just be distributing the money amongst ourselves (as we do every year). So I hope you all have a terrible E-Days, I’ve worked very hard to make it a reality.