Restaurant review: Larry’s Place

Larry’s Place: good luck finding it, but it is definitely worth it. This is the kind of place that has no sign or address, so you have to keep an ear out for a braying donkey when walking in downtown Golden between 2:31–2:38 am. Locating the origin of the donkey won’t grant you access, just a one time redeemable ticket printed on a fruit roll-up. DO NOT EAT THE FRUIT ROLL UP. Instead, fold it in half with a plastic toothpick in the middle, and toss it in Clear Creek EXACTLY 11 minutes after you receive it. If the timing is right, you’ll see a small hunchback with nub left arm climb out from under the bridge near 13th Street. This is Gary. Gary will then burp a five-digit code three times; remember this code BUT DO NOT WRITE IT DOWN. Enter this code into the orange lock box that restricts entry into Larry’s Place. Once you get in, be sure to whisper the Pledge of Allegiance to the bouncer (he likes that). So, simple as that, you’re in.

Now, the good part. The food is mediocre, and the beverages are served with potato flavored ice chips (western Latvian pop culture fads aren’t really my thing). Larry’s Place is more than food and drink, however. The hostess is a stone-cold babe, if not the HOTTEST engineer North of Salida Colorado. I think her name is Robin. The owner, Larry, is kind enough, but he usually sweats on and stains everything he touches. It’s forgivable because he has a pretty serious gland problem. Either way, Larry and Robin have great chemistry during their Nordic Pole Dancing routine, making the entire hassle well worth it.

Some negatives about the place is the STRICT no iguanas policy. During full moons, the bouncer is a tad “handsy”. Additionally, there is a crying infant stuck in the vents. It’s usually pretty quiet, but unfortunately, you can hear it over the music sometimes. The biggest thing to look out for is the basement. An unpleasant stench is always rising from the lowest level, and a thick pile of dirty feathers line the stairs on the way down. I might check it out the next time I head over, but I recommend that first-timers avoid it (Robin stabbed a guy who asked about it once). Usually some heavy crowds on Tuesday’s and Sunday’s, but otherwise a pretty good hang out.

Summary: Wholesome Family fun, or a spectacular place to take a first date!

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