As we all probably know by now, Russia wants to take over the world, and is starting with Ukraine. On March 16th Crimean people voted to secede from Ukraine and join Russia with an overwhelming 97% in favor of joining Russia. There have also been whispers of Russia annexing Kazakhstan. But why is all this happening? Why is Vladimir Putin so determined to spread Russia’s borders? The answer became evident when Putin addressed the media simply saying, “I gotta catch ’em all!”
Not many people know, but Russia is home to a very small variety of Pokémon. There are Rock types in the plains of Russia and Ice types in Siberia, but not much else. Putin was willing to accept his fate of having a two-note Pokémon party until the Ukrainian people ousted former president Yanukovych on February 22nd. When Yanukovych’s house was explored by the press on February 26th, everyone was shocked at what was found. The president’s house was an enormous estate with sculptures everywhere, a manmade lake with an 18th century themed yacht floating on it, a private golf course, a classic car museum, grand dining halls with crystal chandeliers and gold plated walls, fireplaces everywhere, and the big tamale: his own private zoo. This zoo is home to rare Pokémon from all around the world.
It was shortly after the zoo was discovered that Putin made his move for Ukraine. While the best and most rare Pokémon are in Kiev, it was out of his reach. So he decided to go for all the water Pokémon in Crimea first. Russian armed forces were sent into Crimea on February 27th-28th just one day after the discovery of the Pokémon zoo. Crimea is a peninsula right between Russia and Ukraine in the Black Sea. Aside from a small slice of land connecting it to Ukraine, Crimea looks like an island. Crimea is home to many water Pokémon that cannot be found in Russia. The Black Sea is infested with Tentacool, but the bodies of water on Crimea itself are home to one of the greatest varieties of water Pokémon in the world. “I have always wanted a Laparas and maybe one of the new starters, the cute little blue frog,” Putin was overheard saying just before Russia’s parliament approved his request to use force in Ukraine to “protect Russian interests” on March 1st. Ukraine saw their approval as a declaration of war. But in return for their cooperation, Putin offered Crimea a chance to see the Articuno that Russians claim to have captured in Siberia. On March 6th, Crimea’s parliament voted to join Russia, and sent the vote to the people.
Vladimir Putin’s Pokémon party currently includes a level 15 Geodude, a level 12 Nosepass, and a level 11 Jynx. Needless to say, it is not intimidating. Putin claims that his goal is simply to complete his Pokédex. But the parliament elected interim president of Ukraine Olexander Turchynov says that they cannot ever give up the collection of rare Pokémon to Russia. “It was Ukrainian people to worked hard to catch these Pokémon, not our former president.” While Ukraine continues to resist Russia’s seize on their population of Pokémon, the rest of the world stands with them. Barack Obama pledged to stand with Ukraine during a meeting with interim Prime Minister Arseniy Yatsenyuk at the White House on March 12th. And on March 17th the EU and US imposed travel bans and asset freezes on several officials from Russia and Ukraine over the Crimea referendum. But as Russian troops stormed a military base in Simeropol, Crimea on March 18th, a Ukrainian officer’s Laparas was stolen from him. The next day Ukraine started making plans to withdraw soldiers and their families from Crimea. “A Pokémon battle is expected, but stealing someone’s Laparas which he has raised from an egg is something only team Rocket wouldn’t do.” Interim president Turchynov told the press. While the EU and US have extended sanctions on Russia, the future for Ukraine and their Pokémon is still unknown.
Vladimir Putin is currently 62 years old and well past the age of the typical aspiring Pokémon master. It is widely believed that Putin is attempting to take over the world and all their Pokémon just as Giovanni once did in the Kanto region of Japan.