Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Congratulations, Aquariuses! Aquarians. Aquarii? Aquariums? Fish. This is the astrological month of your birthday! The sign of aquarius is two squiggly lines, and given that the Iowa Caucus also happened during this month, basically, you are going to go crazy. And not just, “I hear dead people and ate the number 3 for breakfast” crazy, but, like, you’ll be having dreams. More dreams than usual. And a common theme of these dreams will involve laser-sharks riding giraffes and pecan pie. The one who represents Aquarius is named Ganymede, who was known by Homer (the author of the Iliad, not Simpson) as the most beautiful mortal. Ganymede is also the name of a certain Jovian ice planet. Basically, you’re going crazy, but you feel beautiful about yourself, but you have a chance of developing an icy heart, if you don’t already have one. And a donut or two might not be bad. Happy Birthday!
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): Ah, Pisces‒the sign of the two circling fish. You are predicted to eat a burger. The stars don’t tell me what kind, though. They’re vague little punks like that. You will also receive news from home regarding your old bedroom and/or a new pet. The pet will probably be named Charles, regardless of species.
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19): You will have good fortune, which is interesting, considering you will also have a bad month for health. You will be the first in your immediate family to fall victim to hay fever or some other kind of grass. As for your relationship status, it will become nonexistent, as you will soon delete your Facebook account. The reasons are unclear, as Mars keeps getting in the way. But the reason will have something to do with either an embarrassing picture, Jane Foster, or Toledo.
Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20): This month (and the year as a whole) will mostly consist of ending the same way you began. Failed your first test? Good luck passing the final. Had a New Year’s kiss? Expect lots of chocolate for Christmas. Specifically the Hershey’s kind. However, thanks to Venus flaunting her Instagram and messing up my pictures of the stars, I don’t know what the middle looks like, so those ends will come by various means. Look out.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20): The symbol for Gemini looks like the Roman numeral II (or “2,” for you uncultured folks), meaning you will see the past repeat itself this month. Since the stars spoke to me (and as a result, I’m out 2 bucks because it was an interstellar Collect Call. Thanks stars.) on 2/2 regarding Gemini, which is 3 2’s and a mixture of snow, Half-Life 2 confirmed. What? It’s already out? Well then I was right, then, wasn’t I?
Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22): The price of seafood will go down.
Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22): Sorry to tell you this, but Leos are opposite Aquarius, meaning you are furthest from your star-sign this month, both forward and backward. This means you’re gonna have a bad time. And you probably won’t win your Oscar this month (notice how nobody has ever won an Oscar of any kind under Leo?).
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22): There is much happiness for this month. Some of it will relate to you, I hope. Be sure to invest in some stock, though, as some stock prices will rise, as others will fall. Just make sure to pick the right ones. No, I’m not going to tell you which companies to invest in. Remember Martha Stewart? Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22): Venus dominates your star sign, meaning you’ll burn your eyes out trying to see it past the Sun. Seriously. Don’t look that way. I have respect for the visually impaired, but I’m sure they’d tell you to not forsake your eyes.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): If you were born under Scorpio, there is a chance that you were born on Halloween! If this is you, I am armed with a note pad and a piece of garlic bread from Little Caesar’s. Now, it isn’t your typical “wooden stake and garlic chain” combo, but I haven’t been bitten by the spawn of Halloween yet, so don’t judge me. To the 97% of you born on a different day, this is the month of Valentine’s Day, meaning you are still in a candy-related season. On the other hand, when it’s your sign’s turn, you get half-priced candy for days!
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): You will be heavily tested this month, so prepare yourself. Additionally, you will find a new fascination for harmonicas. Your dog, whether you have one or not, will develop a strong friendship with a September 1994 issue of The Economist. You are also predicted to be in good health. That being said, it would not be unexpected if you found yourself in Fresno wearing nothing but a Golden Girls onesie, lying under the shade of Nick Offerman’s mustache as he sings “The Water is Wide” for your dog’s wedding. Again, whether or not you own a dog is irrelevant. Finally, look out for guys named “Phil.” Phillip is fine. Fill is fine. But there might be something about those whose birth certificates state their names as “Phil.” It isn’t clear what Phils are capable of, but I see a picture of a jellyfish, which I think means to watch out.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): You recently had your birthday. Congratulations. You’re special. Enjoy this honeymoon period while you can (take that as you will).