Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19): Happy Birthday, you Spring children! Right about now, Mercury, named after the Roman messenger of the gods, will be flying into your zodiac sign! It’ll probably hurt him, so make sure to read to him that new H. G. Wells book you got for your birthday. Didn’t get one? Make sure you do by any means necessary.
Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20): While the Aries are up to bat, you are on deck. To make it through this next month, make sure to take time out of your day to flop like a fish. About 20 minutes a day should do.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20): Aries up to bat, Taurus on deck, so that means you are in the hole! Given your birth sign of the twins, this is a time for hole-y twins. Like Saints Benedict and Scholastica. In that case, if you ever have trouble deciding what to do for dinner, go Italian. Or Eggs Benedict. There, I narrowed it down. Now squabble amongst yourselves between those two.
Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22): Now would be a good time to find a plethora of words you can use to spice up your sentences. If this bumfuzzles you, don’t worry, I have not gone cattywampus and this surely is not a bunch of taradiddles. For example, your next doctor’s visit might include a phlebotomist and/or a sphygmomanometer. Just make sure not to make farraginous sentences. Then you just sound like a pretty pompous un-pecksniffian prick.
Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22): If you have ever wanted to try your hand at being a private investigator, now would be a better time than ever. To get started, come up with an intriguing name. Make a curious sign and hang it outside your door reading “<intriguing name> Private Investigator. I will solve your problems for money.” You can place your phone number and address, but one might lead to spam calls, the other to redundancy.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22): Go and google “Duck Army” or something else that will make you laugh your face off. Grow another face, rinse and repeat. Once you get good at this, challenge your friends to Friday Night Face-Offs. You’re welcome. You now have Friday night plans.
Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22): If you decide to lead an army, it will be met with heavy resistance. But don’t worry, your numbers will hardly be diminished. Your troops will have 20/20 hearing (the stars don’t tell me what that means, but we’ll roll with it), so you will rarely be flanked successfully. Remember those cabbages you were supposed to invest in last month? I hope you listened to my advice, because these are exactly what you’ll need to increase moral. Oh, and did I mention that your army is made up of rabbits?
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Be sure to arrive at all of your appointments at least 7 minutes early, but no earlier than 11. Arriving prior to this time will make you insanely bored and awkward, but later than that would be cutting it so close that you will gulp in nervousness. And not just a little gulp. More like the Big Gulp Heard Across America. And those types of gulps attract ants.You don’t want to be blamed for ants.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Your last month of poorness will have bought you (ironically) newfound wisdom for your life. Were you not poor last month? Well then either you’re looking at the wrong horoscope, or you should take the following sentences in opposing fashion. The solutions to all of your problems have now been narrowed down to three items. Can you guess what they are? If you had to guess, you did not gain this wisdom and still need your three items. For future advice sessions, I recommend substituting in a wooden spoon, a can of Lavender Vanilla Febreze, and a falafel.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): This may not be a good celestial month for you, if only because Aries is at the helm. To cope, sit your Aries friends and/or family down to watch E.T. This should, theoretically, give them a helmet for the rest of the month. Feel free to smack them upside the head every time they receive good news, give you a smirkish look, or are just happy in general. But remember, if you smack them prior to the E.T. event, they may start a potato farm and bombard you with leprechauns, which should be ripe right around the time the Sun moves through your sign, so be careful.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Be on the lookout for job opportunities, promotions, and baseball bats. The former two give you money, which is always nice, but bats are just a general thing to look out for. Additionally, take advantage of the new weather. Whether the weather weathers your feather with western measures, you can always find something new to do.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): Remember those marbles you lost? Whether you lost them as a child in the schoolyard or yesterday at the Wendy’s drive-thru, they will give you a sign this month about whether or not you will get them back. This sign will come in the mail as a postcard from Mozambique. It will probably contain a picture of your marbles at a fondue party with an elephant, a Super Soaker, and a bowl of Owen Wilson’s chest hair.