Welcome, Fresh–er, I mean, First-Years! Some of you have your major set or in-mind, some are still undecided. Fret not, latter-category people, for I may be able to help! Observe what the stars have in-store for the departments this month!
Chemical and Biological Engineering/Chemistry: You will be forced to share something with someone you do not like sharing things with. Deal with it. Even if it means losing your individualism, pride, and lower interest rates.
Physics: When you least expect it, you will feel a sudden burst of awesomeness thrust out of your soul, drenching your life in what can only be described as the purity of existentialism that gives babies a reason to smile.
Electrical Engineering: This will be a month of good fortune. To start it off, go behind Old Brown and find the loose brick. Pull it out and in the wall you will find a copy of Reader’s Digest from the year and month you were born. On the back cover you will find next week’s winning lotto numbers. Or the serial number for a Shake Weight, I know it was one of the two.
Computer Science: You will eat some food today. Unless you are a rebel. At which point I applaud you while questioning your priorities.
Applied Mathematics and Statistics: Beware of online dating. Dates are only best when experienced in-person. Especially butterscotch-dipped dates. Ordering them online doesn’t guarantee, nay, denies you the greatest satisfaction of a well-prepared date. Also, beware of trout.
Civil Engineering/Environmental Engineering: Next time you see a stray dog on the streets, go over and say “hi.” Unless he appears to have figured out how whipped cream works. That’s when you call Animal Control. But if he hasn’t, then say “hi.” He will then reply, “Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.” Minor detail: For those of you not named Louis, you will probably have better luck with a fortune cookie. Stay vaccinated, my friends.
Metallurgical and Materials Engineering: Sometime this month, make sure to take a trip down to the Denver Zoo. Look for a man in a bowler’s hat standing beside the meerkats. Ask him how he got inside the enclosure. His response will send you on a soul-searching journey where you will eventually reach nirvana.
Petroleum Engineering: You will begin to identify with fruit flies. Don’t let this affect your love life.
Mechanical Engineering: You may feel the urge to start a rabbit farm. Don’t give in to the temptation. It is only Bugs Bunny playing with strings and toothpicks, invading your mind to where you don’t realize what great deals Murdoch’s is having on fencing I mean jeez, $26.99 for a 28” x 50’ roll? Talk about a steal!
Mining Engineering: Hire a penguin to manage your stock portfolio. Be sure to tip him in M&Ms.
Economics & Business: Become a penguin.
Geology & Geological Engineering/Geophysics: Context: Without it, the world is a lot more interesting. Remember that the next time you go out to dinner or chat with your friends.