Scorpio: Oh, boy! You get the spooky month! That means if you start to hear the sounds of a disapproving audience, it is much less likely to be a direct cause of your poor performance. And yes, you will have performance issues. Just not in the way that you first think.
Sagittarius: Beware of radioactive fermented curds. If you start to feel a little peckish, curtail your current activities, sally forth, and infiltrate a nonradioactive place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some nonradioactive cheesy comestibles. John Cleese will thank you later.
Capricorn: Not everyone hangs out in the kitchen to talk, but you are a special case. Yes, there aren’t many people out there with more charisma than a loaf of bread (I mean, have you seen bread?), but you fail that test only because you make the bread look like a sensational conversationalist.
Aquarius: You will feel a wave of attraction toward different types of literature. And this will be no ordinary wave. Like, one minute everything will be fine, and the next you will feel drenched in a profound love for words and pages and bindings.
Pisces: Do you want to know a thing? Stuff is about to get, like, really crazy. Oh, man, I mean, okay: basically, we’ll all do a bunch of stuff (and you will go “Oh My Gosh That Is AMAZING”), and then everything will be great. Also, you should grow a curly mustache you can twirl.
Aries: Along with your dog’s incessant whining for you to play, you will be serenaded by geese as they soar through the air, over lakes, and into your neatly kept zinnias.
Taurus: Go do something exciting. I recommend running through a field of dandelions singing tunes from My Fair Lady while the sun sets. Terms & conditions may apply. Ask your doctor if RTAFODSTFMFLWTSS is right for you.
Gemini: I see an empty, hollow shell of the person you once were. It is brittle and reeks of tartar sauce. When the wind blows, I can hear it whistle. It sounds like an out-of-tune orchestra conducted by a howler monkey and sponsored by eFax. Oh, how you’ve changed.
Cancer: Have you ever actually used the Scroll Lock button? I’m being serious here. Have you? If you haven’t I highly recommend it. Nothing can wisp away a day of productivity and having a purpose in life like finding out what exactly locking one’s scroll can do.
Leo: In a garbage alley not that far away, you will meet a friend. An old friend. He wants to give you something. You take it. You drop it. You pick it back up. It is now broken. You cannot identify the gift because your friend had to leave in a hurry. Good job.
Virgo: A long time ago, it was unlike you to ever refuse advice from a middle-aged woman in a laundromat. Well, I may not be a middle-aged woman, or in a laundromat, but it would probably be in your best interest to stop screaming “Sugar, We’re Goin Down” every time someone presses the “down” button at an elevator.
Libra: Your physical and mental health will be spectacles this month. Literal spectacles. Like, your cholesterol will be 20/20 and you won’t be able to create a mental image without a slight smudge in the corner of your mind’s eye that stays there no matter how hard you mentally clean it with your shirt.