Pisces: Before you ask, no, 2018 is not a leap year. It’s what I like to call a “Skip Year.” As in we are skipping your birthday. Again. And I don’t just mean those of you born on the 29th. Like, this month has the Super Bowl, Groundhog Day, Mardi Gras, Valentine’s Day, Groundhog Day, Lincoln’s Birthday, Chinese New Year, Groundhog Day, the Winter Olympics, President’s Day, and Groundhog Day. You might as well forget your birthday.
Aries: All I’m getting are the words “Bah, humbug.” I know it’s a couple months late, but I think it’s a testament to your punctuality during this month.
Taurus: Have you ever been to a county fair? They’re pretty neat, or so I hear. I haven’t been myself (not if I want my doctor to keep fulfilling my prescription), but you should go. The stars tell me you’ll meet The Love of Your Life there. Although, that was the name of last year’s prize winning squash, so that might complicate things.
Gemini: Have a tea party with two bags of Doritos and a slinky. Weekend: Solved.
Cancer: Woah, dude. In an interview with your past self, you realize that you never were unless you truly saw. But why is?? You can know something, but can it know you? Answers will be provided at the bottom of pg. 113 in this month’s Reader’s Digest.
Leo: “Take a long, warm bath and think about what you’ve done. No, I don’t want to here any sass from you! Why? ‘Cause I said so! And don’t forget the herbal soap. What? Just mix it into the water, do I have to tell you how to do everything?” This has been an excerpt from Don’t Forget to Stretch That: Parenting Transcripts from My Mom the Physical Therapist.
Virgo: I get the feeling that you’re wearing something designed by Virgil Abloh, correct? No? Look harder, I’m certain you are. N-no, stop looking at your shirt tag, maybe it’s your… you know what? Nevermind. I’ll let you find it by yourself, I don’t have time for this. Libras still need their horoscope and you’re not getting anywhere.
Libra: *Huff, puff* Sorry, I *huff* got caught up *wheeze* explaining *cough, hack* something to *gasp* someone *deep breath, exhale*. Great, no I’ve forgotten what the stars told me. Do me a favor and mildly inconvenience a Virgo for me today, will ya? Thanks.
Scorpio: You. Stop. Just, stop. We witnessed the battle, you fought courageously, now it’s 12am. Everyone else is tired. You win, we concede. Congrats. Go buy yourself a trophy or something, cool?
Sagittarius: My doctor just diagnosed me with severe case of being too awesome! However, it’s apparently the most contagious things he’s ever seen. It can be transmitted by direct contact, sharing a drink, breathing my exhalations, looking at me, hearing me, being heard by me (even via recording), or being alive at the same time as me. In other words, I think everyone just got a little more awesome.
Capricorn: You know that weird limbo feeling of when you’re lost in life and don’t know who you can listen to anymore? Of course you do, seeing as you’re reading these. My suggestion is to be more trusting and less paranoid. Of course, now that I say that, chances are now you’re going to get swindled or something. Huh? What? Oh, nothing. I said nothing.
Aquarius: “Life is long and don’t let any motivational poster tell you otherwise.” That’s what my cousin, Steve the Philosopher, told me. He said he was pretty sure you’d know what that means.
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