2018 Horror-Scopes: Astro-logged by Bob the Astrologer

Scorpio: It is entirely possible I was wrong about this issue’s publish date in last issue’s horoscope. I, therefore, may have possibly ranted to you about not having a good time to write the Horror-scopes this year given the time problems. Whelp, guess I was wrong. Uh… surprise?  Happy Halloween?

Sagittarius: Your Halloween creature this year is the headless horse. Not the headless horseman, just the horse. But when you think about it, most scary horses get their spook from their heads (e.g. DIA’s “Blucifer”). Heck, the famous scene from The Godfather created terror using just a head. So, I mean, a headless horse? That just looks like an oversized clothing iron. Hope your victims are scared of doing laundry.

Capricorn: You guys are the clever ones who notice that Scorpio’s month doesn’t technically start until October 24th and this issue was published on October 22nd. Just… let it linger for a couple days and then they’ll be accurate. I’m not doing Libra twice this year. Sorry for any confusion.

Aquarius: Take some time to thank your dentist. If they’re feeling lonely, just eat a preposterous amount of candy so you can go back and see them again and again and again…

Pisces: If you’re allergic to pumpkins, dead leaves, cold weather, clogged gutters, corn that looks like it went bad but it’s actually “authentic,” and/or guys who will still wear shorts despite that 50° temperature drop and impending 2 feet of snow because “it’s more comfortable that way,” you’re in for a bad time.

Aries: Pro-tip: Before you start raking up leaves, build a trapdoor in your lawn with turf on top for camouflage. Then cover it in your leaf pile. Make sure you have a good showing of neighbors (or visiting friends/family) watching you when you jump so it appears you are swallowed by the ground. That’ll give them a spook.

Taurus: One word: Midterms. Did I mean midterm exams or midterm elections? You decide.

Gemini: The last man on earth hears a knock at the door. Looks like he wasn’t the last man after all. Not so scary when you realize we can all make mistakes, huh?

Cancer: Before you say anything, I just want it to be known that I did not eat all of your candy. This is not a Jimmy Kimmel torture prank. A couple of things happened. One, you’re an adult with adult money and when you last went grocery shopping you picked up that 120-piece bag of candy because you could. Two, your parents aren’t around all the time anymore, so they can’t help you out with self-control. And three, it’s candy, you’re stressed, it tastes amazing, and just 1 more piece won’t hurt, right?

Leo: Unlike your friends, you are in for a month of good health. Also unlike your friends, you

know this and they don’t (unless they’re also Leos, at which point this applies to them as well). Some of them are going to be on edge about catching a cold, so fake them out by making yourself cough, sneeze, or hack up a lung while around them. They will soon know your true power.

Virgo: I am sending scouts to the places you frequent to shout “Boo!” whenever you pass by. This’ll help toughen you up for the upcoming spooky season. There’s one problem, though. My scouts are crows, so they may not be able to form the word “boo” perfectly.

Libra: Check out this scary story I found on creepylinguini.com! Wait, hold on, I can’t find the link. Well, trust me, it was scary. Hang on while I scroll through Tumblr for 10 minutes, give up and try to tell you myself, but horribly fail and say, “Trust me, it would’ve been scarier if I had found it.”