February Horoscopes astro-logged by Bob the Astrologer

Aquarius: Heyy, look at that! You’re already through your first month of 2019! Some people adopt a “New Year, New Me” mentality, others are more for “Same Me, New You.” I  recommend a “New Year, Same Me, but Still a Me Who Is Willing to Learn and Grow and Achieve a Personal Perception of ‘New’ as I Constantly Improve My Happiness in This World.” An easy pneumonic to remember the phrase it “NYSMBSAMWIWTLAGAAAPPONAICIMHITW.”

Pisces: “Where do you see yourself in a year?” I don’t know, I don’t have 2020 Vision! “Ha! Ha ha ha! What a clever joke! Ah, geez, I didn’t see that one  coming!”… I’ll take “Things That Don’t Happen Anymore” for $400, Alex.

Aries: One down, eleven to go. Eleven more months until people stop making stupid “2020 Vision” jokes.

Taurus: Have you ever felt an ever-so-slight hint of bitterness from someone, but you’re afraid to address it out of fear that their bitterness will become directed at you? That means you have good emotional intelligence and a fair dose of empathy running through your veins. Consult a doctor if this lasts for more than 4 hours.

Gemini: Have a house party (or apartment party or whatever) that consists of ugly sweaters, Taco Tuesday, and “Spin the Broken Wrapping Paper Tube You Inevitably Got Into a Sword Fight With.”

Cancer: On February 19th, be sure to date all signed documents with 2/019/2019. It looks unique and is technically correct, even though the day number never actually reaches triple digits. Alternatively, on August 8th, you could sign things as 20/18/2018, but I’m talking about February, so stop distracting me.

Leo: Upon receiving a receipt the next time you purchase something, fold it into a receipt-paper airplane and throw it off the roof. When staff inevitably asks what you are doing on their roof…

You know what, scratch that. Don’t litter or trespass, kids.

Virgo: Next time you go bowling, right after you get a strike, do your next frame “Granny Style”: Hold the ball with both hands, carry it between your legs, roll it toward the pins, then bake everyone cookies and pinch their cheeks.

Libra: Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow “meow?” Meow, meow meow meow meow: Meow. Meow meow meow—meow meow—meow meow meow meow!

Scorpio: Looking for some wisdom on how to handle the shortest month of the year? Just ask the Guy Who Speaks in Incomplete Sentences. He’ll sure to you what do record time!

Sagittarius: Don’t get sick. Some of you have already failed and that’s disappointing *hides DayQuil in backpack*

Capricorn: Fifteen minutes can earn you 15% or more on your next exam. “That’s nice, Bob, but my next exam is an eye exam. I don’t think my optometrist—” Sshh. 15 minutes can increase your vision by 15%. Have 20/30 vision? You could instead have 23/34.5 vision! 46/69 vision, if you will. “I don’t think that’s how vision works—” Ssshhh. The stars have spoken.


Hey, all! If you're reading about me, you are probably thinking, "who the heck is this guy and why is he writing in my newspaper?" Though probably not in those exact words. Well, as you probably know, my name is Braden Egtvedt. As you probably don't know, I am a graduate student in Electrical Engineering here at Mines. I am also a Staff Writer for the Opinion section. You will mostly be seeing my name on satirical articles, particularly the horoscopes by Bob the Astrologer.

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