March Horoscopes astro-logged by Bob the Astrologer

Hey, guess what! The stars were hidden until, like, the last minute. So the theme for this month is panic. Panic? Panic.

Pisces: When you’re in a panic, choose briefs over boxers. ‘Cause they’re brief.

Aries: If you’re visiting Singapore, don’t bring more than two packs of chewing gum (See: Chewing Gum Ban in Singapore).

Taurus: Remember that thing you were supposed to do today? Did you do it? This message is brought to you by the Center for Panic-Induced Adulting, as well as the Center for Adulting-Induced Panic.

Gemini: Be aware of your monthly costs. Rent, food, gas, Netflix, and your subscription to Cats in Houses Magazine aren’t going to pay themselves.

Cancer: WebMD says you’re probably a Cancer. C’mon. My niece could’ve told you that and she still thinks there’s a Specific Ocean.

Leo: [Redacted]

Virgo: Whenever you go out, if the people don’t always shout, I seriously doubt your credibility as a John, a Jacob, a Jingleheimer, or a Schmidt. If your name is not my name, too, then you have deceived us all!

Libra: Did you leave the oven on?

Scorpio: Oh, hey, you have something on your… nevermind. It just moved.

Sagittarius: Do you ever check your pockets for your keys right before your locked door closes behind you? Have you ever accidentally locked yourself out of your apartment and had a friend climb through your window to let you back in (thank God for ground floor units)? Anyone?

Capricorn: By the way, there are actually 6 continents. Antarctica? Oh, please. (See: “As We Stumble Along” from The Drowsy Chaperone). Antarctica may as well be the Pluto of continents.

Aquarius: We are sorry to report that Bob the Astrologer mysteriously disappeared between writing the Capricorn and Aquarius horoscopes. We would play hold music for you, but alas, this is a newspaper.


Hey, all! If you're reading about me, you are probably thinking, "who the heck is this guy and why is he writing in my newspaper?" Though probably not in those exact words. Well, as you probably know, my name is Braden Egtvedt. As you probably don't know, I am a graduate student in Electrical Engineering here at Mines. I am also a Staff Writer for the Opinion section. You will mostly be seeing my name on satirical articles, particularly the horoscopes by Bob the Astrologer.

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