March Horoscopes astro-logged by Bob the Astrologer

Hey, guess what! The stars were hidden until, like, the last minute. So the theme for this month is panic. Panic? Panic.

Pisces: When you’re in a panic, choose briefs over boxers. ‘Cause they’re brief.

Aries: If you’re visiting Singapore, don’t bring more than two packs of chewing gum (See: Chewing Gum Ban in Singapore).

Taurus: Remember that thing you were supposed to do today? Did you do it? This message is brought to you by the Center for Panic-Induced Adulting, as well as the Center for Adulting-Induced Panic.

Gemini: Be aware of your monthly costs. Rent, food, gas, Netflix, and your subscription to Cats in Houses Magazine aren’t going to pay themselves.

Cancer: WebMD says you’re probably a Cancer. C’mon. My niece could’ve told you that and she still thinks there’s a Specific Ocean.

Leo: [Redacted]

Virgo: Whenever you go out, if the people don’t always shout, I seriously doubt your credibility as a John, a Jacob, a Jingleheimer, or a Schmidt. If your name is not my name, too, then you have deceived us all!

Libra: Did you leave the oven on?

Scorpio: Oh, hey, you have something on your… nevermind. It just moved.

Sagittarius: Do you ever check your pockets for your keys right before your locked door closes behind you? Have you ever accidentally locked yourself out of your apartment and had a friend climb through your window to let you back in (thank God for ground floor units)? Anyone?

Capricorn: By the way, there are actually 6 continents. Antarctica? Oh, please. (See: “As We Stumble Along” from The Drowsy Chaperone). Antarctica may as well be the Pluto of continents.

Aquarius: We are sorry to report that Bob the Astrologer mysteriously disappeared between writing the Capricorn and Aquarius horoscopes. We would play hold music for you, but alas, this is a newspaper.