Campus Power Rankings: Elevators

I don’t have much of a good reason why, but I spent one afternoon riding eighteen elevators across campus. From my recorded experiences, I have compiled an abridged guide of Mines’ vertical transportation devices.

Marquez: Like the rest of the building, this elevator flexes how much petroleum engineering is in it for the money. It can be somewhat obnoxious: loud, squeaky, and slow doors. However, confidence is exacerbated with its sleek interior, tall ceilings, spacious carpeting, and, most importantly, exceptional speed (compared to everyone else). Power Level: big oil money.

CoorsTek (the freight one): This elevator is gargantuan with padded walls. There is nice lighting at the front but none in the back, having an eerie effect. The doors open vertically with a grating that is also raised before allowing entrance. When I tried operating the buttons to ride the elevator, a strange noise occurred and I decided to promptly leave. Power Level: inconclusive but likely up there.

Brown Hall: Like the Marquez elevator, but not as good. It makes loud boop-ing sounds. Power Level: not as much as big oil money.

Starzer Welcome Center: The experience entering this elevator is like visiting a model home: sleek exterior and interior, subtle modern amenities, ergonomic aesthetics. There is a sense of wanting to make a good impression. However, there are many disconcerting noises while the elevator is in operation. Power Level: probably haunted by vengeful spirits of rejected applicants.

Stratton Hall: This elevator is likely the quietest. The lighting and color scheme are cohesive, even if arguably bland. Beeping is pleasant with a disembodied voice announcing every floor passed. This elevator boasts a unique digital display of generic screensaver photography with its floor indicator, However, speed is rather disappointing. Power Level: “the nice guy.”

Student Recreation Center: Mildly noisy but well lit. Surprisingly cohesive in design, comfortable with an office-eques familiarity. The elevator’s beeping is refreshingly cheerful. Minor jolts and sudden rumbles experienced. Speed is unfortunately unimpressive. Power Level: reduces exercise at a rec center.

Guggenheim Hall: This elevator has a similar experience of visiting an elderly woman’s house. A nice shade of blue, charmingly odd floor tiles, comfortable lighting, almost cozy. Somewhat jolty with age but keeps a moderate speed. Power Level: how quaint.

Coolbaugh Hall: Externally the elevator is loud but quieter inside. It has a pleasant user interface and lighting. Noteworthy speed (perhaps rivaling Marquez) but with strange noises and small jolts. Power Level: in some ways, better than the rest of the building.

Hill Hall: Has its own elevator lobby room. The elevator is focused on utility than passenger experience. Clunky and crude in design, but not unbearable in speed. Spacious enough for slight echoes to emerge. Remarkably loud dinging. Power Level: trying its best.

CoorsTek (the normal one): The elevator is quick with nice flooring. Everything else is a tad bit strange with its ambient lighting, banally padded walls, and strident beeping. Power Level: tucked away and likely neglected. 

Ben H. Parker Student Center: Waiting time may induce melancholy. Its interior condition is dubious with tape residue on walls, lack of display panel, and fluorescent lighting with no covering. The carpeting was chosen with a peculiar taste. Major jolts are to be experienced. Power Level: likely to die a slow death and be forgotten by history.

Alderson: This elevator aged like cheese, as in the cheese you might find in a Lunchable. You almost feel bad, and that’s all you really notice. It is self-pity manifested in the form of an elevator. Power Level: disappointment. 

CTLM: Expected wear and tear, standard lighting and furnishing, bland but cohesive in colors. Considerably quiet yet noticeably shaky. Likely the fastest elevator door speeds on campus. The beep it makes is distinctly polite. Power Level: eh.

Engineering Hall: The elevator buttons have been installed at thigh level – an innovative stroke of engineering. Dimly lit with decent carpeting that mismatched the monotonous coloring of the walls. Service is smooth with tolerable speed and raspy beeping. Power Level: the economics program gets its own building called Engineering Hall?

Arthur Lakes Library: Small and almost cozy. The elevator has a low ceiling and fairly loud. However, it has a nice guide to the library’s subfloors above the unorthodox button layout. The overall design is soothing even with a few scratches. Has a loud inside beep. Power Level: good enough.

Weaver Towers: Cramped, with an estimated spatial capacity of 5.5 people if you really tried. The elevator is dark with mood lighting, creating a hazy and surreal pathos. The floor had a strange gunk embedded into it. The elevator had an indifferent tone in its beeps, revealing much about its character. Power Level: questionable existence. 

Maple Hall: This elevator is rumored to be a sacred ritual ground for the Adventure Leadership Community (ALC). The exterior is standard and waiting time may cause physical irritation. To compensate, the doors move with notable velocity. The interior has a nice display, sleek sidewalls, and a sketchy back wall. The ceiling is morbidly deformed, likely from ALC cult activity. A security camera is installed in a corner in what seems like a response to the damage. Power Level: beware the ALC.

Elm Hall: The elevator is spacious and well lit. Interior is contentedly modern. Waiting time may be heart wrenching. Power Level: solidly middle of the road.

Traditional Halls: Much like the AC, the trad elevators don’t exist. Power Level: further disappointment. 

Conclusion: Stairs are faster most of the time.