It’s coming over the horizon. The threat of another valentines day spent alone. That’s why I’m here, to help guide you through the “The horrors” of the “Single Life”. How does one “Pick Up Chix?”
Well strap in and grab someone tight, it’s time for a lesson.
There are multiple approaches to obtaining a special friend for the Hallmark-Holiday, but they can be broken into simple categories: The Grand Gesture, The Millenal, The Confession, and The Acceptance.
The grand gesture was invented in 10000 BCE by primordial penguin species in modern day Chile. Often observable in their descendants as well, the method involves identifying a mate of choice and then presenting them with the largest, shiniest, or purest object in your vicinity. For the penguins, this was pebbles. Humans chose something even more useless than geology: consumerism. Grab your smartphone and order an edible arrangement! Get some flowers and a note delivered to her apartment. Corner him in your 9AM with a singing valentine. Slide a few twenties in their mailbox at their job they haven’t mentioned they have but you’ve totally seen them go to. Propose with a conflict diamond during Lab.
OKAY, maybe that’s not the greatest idea. There is an element of creepiness to each one of those, and anything that makes them feel uncomfortable is probably a no-go. I get carried away, and I apologize.
The next option has its origins in dating websites, so it MUST be trustworthy. Find yourself a dating app — as opposed to a dating site, a dating app requires no personal connection! There is no hour long questionnaire, just Hawt Singles in Your Area. With the swipe of your thumb and a pick-up line pulled from Reddit, you can hang a sock on your door tonight. “Why would a dating app work now when it doesn’t work normally?” I shout at the heavens. It’s all about timing. No longer are the singles in your area just hawt, but now they too want to fill the valentines-day-void. It’s truly a flawless plan.
Although, to be fair, hooking up with someone you don’t know might not quell your February Feels, so maybe we should try something more interpersonal?
The next option goes simply as follows: Gather your single friends for a night of envy disguised as fake joy about being single. Find the one friendship that you wish was more than just “I sit behind you in Chem class.” (Just to be clear, don’t start with that fact — you both know you aren’t enrolled in that chem class…) Just be honest. have a conversation that makes you and your person of interest smile. This is better, because for once, this isn’t all in your head.
What hole could possibly be shot in this? What do you mean Valentines day is pointless and commercialized to hell? Maybe you’re right, though. Maybe, we have to take approach four. I know, this is getting serious.
What if we just ignored the day, and treated it like any other day in the month? That may sound like a pessimistic or incel approach, but why feel pressured to make a move? If you can see through the corporatization of the holiday, it really is just another day. Yes, couples often do take it as a chance to celebrate their feelings as more than just another part of their lives, but that doesn’t mean you are obligated to do the same.
Approach four entails simply embracing everything else you have, and using a day for celebrating romance to celebrate the ones you love in other ways, like being with your friends or family. Often there is nothing stopping you from being content except an external pressure to be “An Item”. Now, obviously, there is absolutely nothing wrong with embracing the day to ask out that special someone or appreciating the ones you have, but all I’m asking is for you to not feel pressured to do so.
With all that said, let’s take time to celebrate the real holiday in February, the Leap Year.
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