New Residence Hall Opening

The Oredigger is proud to be the first to announce the unveiling of the newest residence hall on campus–Johnson Hall. Construction was completed last Wednesday, the 10th, in a record 39 hours by a group of strapping Design 1 students. Johnson Hall is located on the former courtyard of Spruce Hall, to which Residence Life commented on in an interview, “I mean there’s no way they seriously thought we would finish the Spruce courtyard, right? The construction workers were some theatre kids from CU.” Johnson Hall has been hidden so far using a series of mirrors and a well-painted tarp. The USGS center on 19th street refused to comment on the ground on which Johnson Hall was built. A lucky handful of students were given the opportunity to transfer halls early and were asked to describe their favorite aspects of living in Johnson so far:

“Living in Johnson is really sweet. There’s always something going on and always someone to talk to. I probably see 5-10 new people on my floor every day, and never the same person twice. Rooming amongst a mix of Freshman, Seniors, and faculty is really fun. I also love the low housing cost due to half the rooms being rented out as Airbnb’s. Johnson Hall also has complimentary breakfast, which is just peachy, I love the bitter taste of Sodexo branded drinking water and I’m sure you will too!”

“Probably the best part about living in Johnson is access to the student-led tunnel network. Getting your bearings and learning which tunnels lead to which building is incredibly rewarding and ends up saving you hours. Students are always expanding on the tunnel with their mandatory Johnson pickaxes, sold exclusively at the Mines Bookstore. Each morning I wake up exhilarated knowing that my underground army crawl to CTLM will be accompanied by the sound of that choir that’s always singing in Latin from an indistinguishable direction down there.”

“Definitely the lack of a pet restriction. I love jogging down the hall with my cat-sized sewer rat and letting him say hello to all of my neighbors. Unfortunately, pets almost always get spooked when the scream-powered elevator passes by your floor.”

“I love the building’s design. Walking into the building under the huge bronze arches surrounded by 13th-century Gothic architecture is both beautiful and extremely harrowing. Nothing puts things more into perspective than the huge stained glass piece of President Paul C. Johnson leading all of the undecided majors into battle.”

“You’ll feel incredibly safe in Johnson. After learning a lesson from people wandering into other halls, Residence Life will now sternly slap your wrist if you hold the door open for a stranger. There’s something oddly comforting about the blinking red light on the CRIT CCTV camera in every dorm room and bathroom stall, knowing that your symptoms are always being monitored. The CRIT Benevolence™ camera will even lull you to sleep, ‘Big CRIT is watch-ing… Big CRIT is watch-ing’.”

“I enjoy all of the walks of life you get to encounter in Johnson. Like that guy, Tony Uptonogood who runs illegal geese fights on the intramural fields during the weekends. It’s also great to hear the perspectives of some individuals in Johnson who are in the witness protection program, like my buddy Jimmy Hoffa on the 27th floor who taught me to ‘never trust a rat’; or that time when the real OJ Simpson asked me how believable his public double is and if his double’s hands looked too big.”

“A great part of Johnson is the planned bi-monthly stakeholder meetings where Residence Life talks us through where our housing tuition goes. Our first one last Thursday was insightful. A reasonable 40% of the total tuition goes towards hiring Fleetwood Mac to provide some 24/7 ambiance for the lobby. I think they mentioned around 15% goes towards state-of-the-art front door security that only allows passage when you say, ‘Yup, I live in Johnson.’ The remaining 45% wasn’t mentioned in the report, but the staff assured me that I shouldn’t worry about such frivolous things.”

Given the overwhelmingly positive feedback about Johnson Hall, PCJ has decided next semester’s senior design challenge will be to figure out how to crane-lift the President’s House onto the top of Johnson Hall. •

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