Golddigger Movie Reviews: Reviewing Some of Hollywood’s Greatest Hits in the Worst Possible Way

The Golddigger is the annual satire issue of The Oredigger. All stories on this page were intentionally written with satire in mind and are not to be taken seriously. Contact us at orediggerstories@gmail.com for any comments or questions.

By Lauren D’Ambra

Movie opinions are some of the most objective opinions out there and it’s easy to see why, literally everyone has a different opinion about the same movie. It can be hard to sort through all of those reviews and opinions, especially when the reviews are half and half! Don’t worry friends, we at The Oredigger have stepped up to the challenge to help make this process less stressful. Anyway, we asked some… err… friends to watch some of Hollywood’s biggest hits and give us their expert opinions and honest reviews. Read on to get some one hundred percent genuine thoughts regarding some of the biggest blockbusters to date! 

Oh dear. Our reviewers for The Avengers and The Justice League are fighting each other again. I’ll be back-

Avengers: Endgame (2019)

“Literally fell asleep after they chopped the big guy’s head off and woke up only to find out that he’s still alive? What? Apparently there was some time traveling stuff but, in my opinion, if you’ve seen one time traveling movie you’ve seen them all. I also had no idea who anybody was and had no idea why my whole theater was crying at the end. This was my first Marvel movie ever, is this normal Marvel fan behavior?” -Thanos P. Robably

Back to the Future (1985)

“I actually really liked this movie, but I do have one bone to pick: the title. Why is it called Back to the Future if the whole movie takes place in the past? There’s maybe twenty minutes of what was then present day footage and the rest of the movie takes place in 1955. The whole going back to the future part is maybe five minutes of the hour and fifty six minute film. It’s a great movie, but the title is weird. Maybe they should have called it ‘Space Man from Pluto’ or something…” -Outta Tyme

Encanto (2021)

“Maybe I’m just missing something: a girl isn’t given a special gift, is repeatedly put down by the rest of her family, only to forgive and forget everything at the end and still end up with no gift? What? At least the soundtrack is good, but I’ll admit all the hype about ‘We Don’t Talk About Bruno’ is bringing me back to the ‘Let it Go’ days and I might be losing my mind. This movie also made me cry. Why do all Disney movies make you cry?!?!” -Disnee Adult

Harry Potter (2001-2011)

“All eight of these were good movies, but I just have so many questions. How does Harry make it to age eleven before noticing anything weird about him? A friend of mine mentioned a ghost named Peeves but I never saw him in the cast, who is he? Why does Dobby disappear for five movies and then come back in movie number seven? Who thought it was a good idea to put a murderous tree on school grounds? Why does Dumbledore scream at Harry in movie number four? What happened to Neville’s parents? What happened to Buckbeak after Sirius died? Why does everyone say Harry has his mother’s eyes but then they don’t match in the last film? Why didn’t Harry return Dumbledore’s wand to his grave? Gosh, I just wish that there was a series of seven or so books that could answer all of my questions.” -Idont Read

Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade (2008)

“It’s so sad that this movie was so bad because the next one is so good! Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is the best Indiana Jones movie ever!” -Amega Spielbergfan

Jaws (1975)

“Why is this movie a classic? It’s so unrealistic! I mean, come on, the mayor of the town keeping the town beaches open for economic purposes instead of safely shutting everything down to keep people safe? That’s so not how a real government would act. And the same guy that did the music for Jurassic park and Star Wars probably wrote the score for this one too. So unmemorable.” -NottaJohn Williamsfan

Jurassic Park (1993)

“So, the movie is called Jurassic Park, right? However, we clearly see a Tyrannosaurus Rex  and a Triceratops and both of those dinosaur species existed in the Cretaceous Period and not the Jurassic period. I fully acknowledge that ‘Cretaceous Park’ is not as catchy as ‘Jurassic Park’ but still. Also who did the music for this movie? Nothing was at all memorable about this musical score. I also spent the whole movie waiting for Chris Pratt and was mildly disappointed to discover that I still have to watch two other movies before I get there” -Palen Tologist

La La Land (2016)

“I’m honestly not sure what all the hype was about. Everyone I heard talking about this movie said they wanted to run off to Paris and marry a jazz musician. Well, guess what? I sat through the whole movie and I still hate jazz!” -Imina Rockband

Percy Jackson and The Olympians: The Lightning Thief (2010)

“This was literally the best movie I’ve ever watched!” -Sed Nooneever

Star Wars (1977-2019)

“Maybe Star Wars hits differently if you grew up with them or something, but I’ve never been more disappointed by nine consecutive movies. I mean, I can see the appeal, it’s in outer space and there’s cool spaceships and different planets, but the whole series is literally about one family repeatedly making things worse for the entire galaxy. Do you know how big a galaxy is? I’m both impressed and annoyed. The whole series is laid out weirdly too, who thought it was a good idea for movies 4, 5, and 6 to come out before 1, 2, and 3?  And the “I am your father” trope? So overrated. It’s literally been in every movie ever since 1980.” -Ima Trekie

Titanic (1997)

“I know it’s a quote on quote ‘classic’ but this movie makes me so angry. I’m a Titanic historian and literally every time I Google ‘Titanic pictures’ I just get a bunch of shots from this film. It’s not like they used actual Titanic footage or anything! Ugh! The love story also didn’t do much for me, could they have picked a less attractive actor for Jack?” -Theice Berg

The Justice League (2017)

“I already had low expectations for this movie going in, but boy was I disappointed. This movie was so bad they had to release an overly lengthy director’s cut just to try and convince people the movie wasn’t bad and they still somehow managed to make it worse. I stand by my belief that the only DC film to date that doesn’t completely suck is Wonder Woman. Her presence in this film is the only thing keeping me from completely despising it. The music wasn’t good, the whole film was too dark to see what was going on, and the characters were all acting weird.” -Iam Ironman

The Avengers (2012)

“Why would anyone watch this movie when you could have waited a couple years to see the cinematic masterpiece that is The Justice League? The Avengers is just way to… Avenger-y for my taste. Why should you listen to my opinion you ask? It’s because I’m Batma- wait. No, no I’m not.” -Imsonot Batman