By McKenna Larson
The Golddigger is the annual satire issue of The Oredigger. All stories on this page were intentionally written with satire in mind and are not to be taken seriously. Contact us at email@example.com for any comments or questions.
- The Food
If college is known for one thing it’s well-fed students. On campus options are stellar and deserving Michelin stars on their own merit but college food is so much more. Where would we be without midnight ramen noodles or hot Cheetos to fuel all night study sessions? Cooking in a dorm is an exciting adventure that can be undertaken at any time of the day or night. Some students may not have the cooking skills to sustain themselves, but this is easily remedied by fast food and takeout which provides the nutrients everyone needs to survive and thrive. Ask alumni and they will tell you that their college dining experiences were the best they have and at times they awake in the night craving a Mines Market grilled cheese.
- Parking on Campus
Parking is a real joy of school; it gives you some much needed peaceful alone time before going to classes. Luckily, like more colleges across America, CSM makes parking easy for commuting students. The ticketers are very lax and understand that sometimes a parking pass may have expired or students in a rush could have gone in the wrong parking lot. I’ve never even heard of anyone actually getting a ticket! The easy-going nature of getting on campus also means that students are never hit in crosswalks or parking lots due to speeding drivers anxious to be on time.
- No Free Time
College keeps everyone’s calendars full either with homework, studying, tests, courses, jobs, clubs, and finding small windows of time throughout the day to eat. This is a perfect setup because having too much free time can be overwhelming. What are you supposed to do with hours on end with no obligations? There are simply too many options, many of which could revolve around self-care which is incompatible with doing well academically. Socializing is also most effective when it centers around school, such as a study group. What would young adults do with spare time? See a movie or go on a hike? These kinds of activities are not made for people who want to have fulfilling, equally time-consuming engineering careers which means college is preparing us well.
- Social Isolation
Directly tied to having no free time is the feeling of social isolation. This feeling is a great part of college because it builds character to remove yourself from joyful society to focus on your crushing workload. Social isolation can take many forms, which means it’s really for everyone who goes to school, you simply need to find the variety that works for you. Social isolation can also be a good way to let go of friendships you no longer want to be part of while also forming no new friendships that could eventually become burdensome.
- Mental Health Diagnoses
College is the perfect, and sometimes the only, opportunity for young adults out on their own to discover they have any number of mental health issues. Many of these problems could have gone on unnoticed in high school when you were still considered “gifted.” Figuring out you have these issues while juggling classes, homework, social interactions, and pseudo-adult obligations is a true blessing. College gives people the time they need to either get diagnosed with conditions or develop poor mental health which could serve them in some way in the future, despite ongoing social stigmas. If you think you are going crazy you actually might be as school wears down the shaky coping skills you developed earlier in life. But this gives you the time to find new coping skills and either self-improve or go downhill, it’s all a great part of the college rollercoaster ride.
- Imposter syndrome
Imposter syndrome is a key aspect of college we all know and love. For those unaware (you must not be a college student) imposter syndrome is the feeling that one does not belong in a space in which they clearly belong. This could also be a feeling of stupidity despite advanced knowledge on a topic or thinking that you aren’t really intelligent but simply skating by somehow, despite actually putting in hours of work to get where you are. Sound familiar? Imposter syndrome is a fun way to relate to and disassociate from everyone around you who feels similarly, and isn’t that what college is all about? This also comes with the excitement and thrill of wondering if you are experiencing burnout and should take a break, or if you are being too lazy and need to take up an extra job, research opportunity, or class. Ask anyone at Mines and they will tell you that imposter syndrome is a delightful part of the college experience.
- People yelling at you on Pedestrian Plaza
One of the personal highlights for me on campus has been being harassed on Pedestrian Plaza. This has been by anti-abortion crusaders, overzealous evangelical elders passing around literature, and science deniers inexplicably attending a STEM school. Nothing brightens a hard day of being educated like being judged based on your appearance by students and non-student organizations alike. The Plaza is a center of discourse, a true enlightenment-era salon where you’re either with the speakers and welcomed or you are against them and are shamed.
- Loans, scholarships, and debt
Paying for college is a breeze and really takes the pressure off students. College is cheap, especially considering all of the experiences it gives us, mentioned above. If students weren’t able to find or qualify for scholarships, even after filling out an innumerable amount senior year of high school, loans are a great option. Student loan debt is really the only thing encouraging graduates to get jobs after school. Instead, graduates might take some time to enjoy their young adulthood, which we can all agree is a waste of time and counterproductive for the world economy. These loans are the work of a government that cares about creating a happy workforce that will work overtime every week to afford loan payments and groceries in the same month. Honestly, this is one of the aspects of college that everyone looks forward to!
- Thinking about the Future
The real beauty about college is thinking ahead four or five years to what awaits in the unknowable future. Do I dare go to graduate school? Where will I live? What job will I have? Will I have a family or a beloved pet? Will I even be happy? These inspiring questions are on the minds of every student, and they bring nothing but joy and hope. There are so many aspects of the future to dwell upon that it makes for great mental exercise. Obsessing over the future also distracts from the present which can provide a small break from studying or worrying about global affairs.
- Greek life
Everyone knows that Greek Life is a group of institutions not at all associated with hazing, sexual harassment, or any problematic behavior. The Greek Life houses are well maintained by those living in them, and anyone who says otherwise must not have loved Greek Life as much as their brothers or sisters. These gendered relics of social institutions are an iconic part of every college student’s life, even those who grow weary of constant recruitment attempts. Fraternities, especially, are beacons of healthy social interaction between members and the community at large. Frat parties are the safest venue, especially for young women, to enjoy a night free from coursework. Hazing is also never done in any way because that would be too harsh for the high standards Greek Life holds itself to.
- Attention to Student Health Needs
Administration is known for being in touch with the physical, mental, and emotional health needs of students on campus. This is clear by the lack of menstrual products in public bathrooms, the very clear (not at all confusing) COVID policies, the lack of sexual violence on campus, and the excellent mental health of the student body. If anyone complains about these things, they clearly don’t see the posters put up telling everyone to “choose joy” or to walk halfway across campus to find a tampon in case of emergencies. This is the work of a school that cares. It’s a beautiful part of the college experience that is often overlooked when choosing a school to attend.